Kicking Off Another (Lucky) Year

Wow, where does the time go? It seems like just yesterday I was writing my post on my 44th birthday  and here I am celebrating my 45th already. Wait! I'm not really finished with 44! Forty-four was suppose to be lucky, remember? Even my Chinese co-worker told me 44 was a lucky year. Phewy. Lucky in what way, I should have asked? I guess I'm still up and around to celebrate my 45th. I suppose that in itself is lucky if we are going for the glass-half-full angle. 

Birthdays, like the changing of seasons or bringing in the new year, are time for reflection. What have I accomplished this past year? What do I want to accomplish? Set goals, make plans, do something fabulous. 

Okay, what have I accomplished? Can't think of a darn thing. Nope. I started a new job, worked like a dog, walked some dogs, made no money. My financial situation is no further along than it was a year ago. Actually, by the looks of my UBS portfolio, it's worse. My financial advisor said I was "very cool" when I told him I was quitting my job and going to Vietnam for three weeks. Maybe he needs a new career as well. Isn't he suppose to be advising me to get a damn job and give him some more money to invest? I think that is why I like this guy. He doesn't nag at me. He just takes my meager purse and does the best he can with it. Our goal is to make that purse grow without me doing much at all. I think he looks at my account as a fun challenge. Can he turn a small investment into half a million with no effort at all on the investor's part? I'd ask for a million, but that would just be unrealistic.

Our other goal is for me to be able to buy a home in five years. Ooops, make that four years. We set this goal a year ago. Time's ticking. We didn't say where this house would be located, but we both know it won't be in Seattle...not unless some sweet little old lady bequeaths her abode to me when she passes. This would give me four years to befriend a sweet little old lady with no family or cats to pass her house on to. 

I also remember making some pie in the sky promise to have some sort of plan by this fall.

Whoa! What was I thinking? Who do I think I am anyway? Someone who has the ability to make decisions? The only decisions I seem to be able to make quickly are those involving travel, whether I actually have the dough or not. The financing of trips is barely a consideration. It's a "shoot first, ask questions later" situation as far as travel goes. Next week,  I'm going to Colorado to visit cousins I haven't seen for 25 years. The youngest cousin barely had the invitation formed on her lips when I had the tickets booked. I simply thought, "sure, I won't be working then, why not(spend money) go to Colorado?" 

So I'm off to enjoy this anniversary of my birth (thanks, Mom, for going through all that, by the way!). I'll kick it off by going to yoga, then head downtown to see if I can find a frock for this evening, then meet up with some pals for a night of Vicci Martinez at the Tractor Tavern in Ballard. It's going to be a good day. Better yet, it's going to be a good year! A lucky year!

 

From Sea to Si

Back in the day (yes, the day of my married self) my husband and I spent a lot of time on the mountains; skiing in the winter, hiking and backpacking in the summer. We've explored the trails of Snoqualmie Pass and Mt Baker quite thoroughly. I was in shape. I loved the hikes, the great outdoors, the thrill of reaching the "summit."  

Since my divorce I've had little opportunity to hit the trails. While in Europe I kept in shape via trekking through cobble stoned alley ways while getting lost in new cities, swimming in the Agean Sea, and dancing on bars in Greek nightclubs. Now home in our fabulous Pacific Northwest greenery, I'm carless and, therefore, find the opportunities to hike still quite rare. 

Last weekend I was invited by my very fit friend to head to Mt. Si. I was only slightly apprehensive as I considered my recent fitness level. Sure I walk up to the top of Queen Anne quite regularly -my favorite supermarket, Trader Joe's, is up there, as is my favorite view point, Kerry Park. I haul myself and groceries, laundry etc. up four flights of stairs daily. I walk several miles daily and practice yoga. But even so, I wasn't sure I was quite ready for Mt. Si. I mean, this stressful desk job has taken its tole on me this summer.  "It's an easy hike," my friend says, "It's the one people take their little children on. It's considered entry level, a training hike."  

A four mile 3100ft elevation gain is 'entry level?'  Okay then. I don't want to sound wussy.

We set off at a pretty hardy pace and it's not long before I can barely see the wisps of my friend's pony tail as she books around the switch backs at mach speed. Her spin class, power walk, weight trained physique is showing me up! I don't even attempt to keep up by the 2.25 mile marker. I just settle into my slogging pace, stopping to sip water regularly. 

Not only do I see a pretty nice selection of rather attractive men (most with rather attractive women, I might add), I spot several tiny children cooking their way up the mountainside as well! Pushing my ego aside, I stick to the task at hand and keep focus. 

When I reach the top, the views are incredible and I find my friend relaxing with her already half eaten sandwich. I peeled off my hiking boot to give my foot a break (shooting pain from an old scooter accident in 2003) and take a long leisurely lunch break before gearing up to head back down. Down was much more enjoyable to be honest. But I'm more than motivated to head out again. As long as my partner doesn't expect to actually hike with me. 

During the hike I thought often of the days of backpacking with my husband and our friends. Right, carrying heavy packs of gear and sleeping outside in the elements. I think I could be a little over those days. I rather enjoyed coming home and crashing in my very comfortable bed after a day on the hill Sunday. The steamy hot shower wasn't bad either. 

 

On Bended Knee

Practically on his knees, the boss all but begged me to stay on at work. He worked every angle ... stroking my ego, attempting to boost my self-confidence, pointing out my leadership role with the other staff, and, yes, finally appealing to my bank account. It's not much but he did offer a little more dough, effective immediately,  if I stayed on through August. He was actually working towards 'forever' but I gave him through August.  I also gave him a list of my own concessions, i.e. no more nights and weekends after tomorrow (we have a midnight airport pickup), I'll leave work early when I have something personal planned, I'll take my Colorado vacation in two weeks,  I'll search for a new job during work hours if I so desire and time permits and  I'll go to interviews, if I have any during that time. At the end of August, I'm done. He still tried to persuade me to continue beyond August, "through the summer" (uh, summer officially ends Sept 21), but I held firm and am set on the August 29 end date.  

Why cave, you might ask? Well, this morning before heading off to the salt mines, my best pal and I booked a three week trip to Vietnam. 

I seem to have a knack for booking expensive vacations when I am or about to become unemployed. Considering the trip cost, the payment due date and my upcoming job status, I figured it'd be in my best interest to take the high road and  stick it out for one more month with my crazy boss and ease a bit of the depleting cash burden. And it buys me another month to keep searching for my 'what's next' step. 

It's Okay to Look

Contrary to my adamant proclaim that I'm not into internet dating and "it doesn't work for me," I found myself peeking at some of the sites. Yes, #8 left me that final voice mail message only three days ago and in a sudden panic of being faced with yet another year ahead of me sans sex, I began to look at what my options might be. 

So log on, I did, just to take a look because as the Match.com ad suggests, "it's okay to look." I just wanted to see what was out there. Fifty pages of men came up between the ages of 38-48. Yes, it just now occurred to me that 38 is seven years younger than me. Geez, it didn't seem all that long ago that 38 was just a few years younger. Cripes, where does the time go anyway? 

Next I checked out plentyoffish.com and again, at least fifty pages of pretty fit fellas filled the screens. Cupid.com had over 20 pages. I didn't look too closely, but I didn't really see a lot of repeat guys. WHERE ARE these men? I don't get it. 

As I've mentioned before, I'm out and about this fair city doing a variety of activities from outdoor sports like biking, walking at the parks, dog walking, and festivals to cultural events like art walks, gallery openings, theater, and concerts. I talk to everyone about anything and yet, never meet any interesting (available) men. I just don't get it. Are these websites full of hooey? Do these men even exist in this city or is it all just a marketing ploy?

I was talking to a married with children friend yesterday who listened to my mile long list of social activities these past few weeks and she gave me an empathetic 'tisk tisk' and admitted you just don't meet anyone at these random one time only events. It has to be through a more long-term activity like work, school or a special interest club that meets weekly. I went to a gym every week for a whole month once. Nothing happened. Sigh.

Still wary about signing up for any of these dating sites, I decided to see what the competition held. So I checked out the "men seeking women" section (I had to log in with a faux user name and birthday) and low and behold, there are at least as many, probably more, pages of women seeking men. Gorgeous women. Fit women. Fashionable women. Women with good jobs, distinguished careers, money in the bank, mortgages in their names, cars to drive themselves to the date. Yeah, the competition is fierce. 

I think I'll just have to carry on in my own little delusional world of thinking I can meet a man 'the old fashioned' way. In person. Through friends. Throwing myself in front of his bicycle while I'm out power walking. And wowing him with my charming personality before he discovers all my shortcomings. 

Lacking Greenbacks in the Emerald City

As the economy (and my bank account) struggles, we are all too aware of the cost of living, as well as the cost of playing. Luckily, we live in a city that has a lot to offer in the way of cheap, and even free, entertainment. 

The most expensive thing I did this weekend was to go see Sex and the City at the Big Picture theater in Belltown. And, yes, I could have saved a buck and seen it at one of the other major theaters in town. Actually, if I'd waited just a bit longer, I could have seen it on video! But being a die hard fan of SC, I just had to see it at the theater. And there's no better place than the Big Picture for that kind of over-the-top film. Seemed appropriate.

After the film, we grabbed a bite of Thai food sharing an appetizer and an entree. Cost = less than the movie. We then sauntered over to our favorite Suite 100 Gallery for a peek at the opening exhibit (free) and visit with our friends there. Next stop- Canlis, where my pal's new man works. Being the best boyfriend in the world, he set us up with a glass of lovely champagne as soon as we settled ourselves in the bar. Before we knew it, a buffet of fabulous desserts were promptly delivered at our table. "I wasn't planning on splurging tonight," I announced as I reached for my fork. Yeowza, these treats were delectable. When I looked up from my sweet-fest, two pink Cosmo's  landed on our table. It was true bliss. One my tummy can't afford to repeat anytime soon, but such a wonderful, and unexpected, treat. That was my first meeting of my friend's new love. My vote?  He's a keeper.

Saturday, another friend invited me to join her for the Historical Society's Home Tour on Capitol Hill. She insisted on treating me for my upcoming birthday, later in the month. It was a day of touring some of the historical and interesting homes on Federal Avenue E. Later, I met another girlfriend at Volunteer Park for the (free) Shakespeare in the Park production of 'Hamlet.'

Today, consisted of a stroll through Fremont Market.  Although there were plenty of interesting displays, I didn't make any purchases. It was entertaining enough to just look, be outside and enjoy the event with my friends.

Okay, so a few of these activities were gracious gifts from others. I certainly don't expect that kind of generosity on a regular basis. But in the spirit of keeping things simple and further exploring cheap summer days, there are free outdoor concerts at various parks, the Olympic Sculpture Park, plenty of parks to stroll through, bike paths to ride, places to picnic, the first Thursday art walk downtown, the Second Saturday Ballard Art Walk, Sunday farmers' markets in nearly every neighborhood, gallery openings, Ballard's Seafood Festival with free concerts and wine tasting events at local wine shops. With gas prices climbing to record breaking heights, finding affordable options within walking, busing or biking distance is more appealing than ever. And I, for one, am up for the challenge. 

If there's one thing I don't need to worry about, it's how I'll enjoy my summer on my extremely tight budget. 

 

The End of an Era

Or is it 'the end of an error?' Both the job and the guy were the wrong match and I knew that from the beginning of both relationships. Ironically enough I started each within just a few days of each other (new job October 21, met #8 Oct 27) and they've both ended within a few days of each other. I gave my notice at work on July 7 and #8 called and left me a "Dear Jane" voice message on July 11. 

I do believe in the theory that when one door closes another opens. So I'm leaving mine unlocked to make it a little easier. I also don't actually believe that either situation was an "error."  Maybe they both dragged out a bit longer than they should have. I clung on, for whatever reason,  a tad too long in both scenarios. But each brought a certain degree of satisfaction, some level of reward for a little while at least. If nothing else, they each provided stories to entertain my friends with. 

Starting again with a clean slate and I'm so ready! I'm feeling a little worse for wear at the moment as ending any kind of relationship leaves me reflective and  my last few weeks at the job are going to be full, hectic and stressful. But when I'm done, I'll take a short vacation to visit my cousins in Colorado, reconnect with family and come back to Seattle to take on the world...or become a barista. 

I have enough in my meager savings to pay two months rent or buy a used scooter on craigslist. Hmmm, which will I do?

 

Like the Sand in the Hour Glass...

Well me and my flappin' jaws and supportive friends have done it now. I gave my notice, turned in my resignation, soon to join, once again, the ranks of the unemployed. Oh boy. Here we go again.

Not long ago I discovered More Magazine. It seemed like the perfect rag for a gal like me. The magazine is focused on women in their 40's, 50's, 60's and older, real women over 40 with mostly 'normal' figures model the actually wearable fashions, typical over forty-type health issues are addressed, and articles feature women over 40, making life transitions and re-inventing themselves. 

Why is it, then, that when I read these stories, I feel more paniced and anxious rather than inspired and moved? Like "Oh my God, I'm almost 45. I better hurry up with whatever the heck my dreams are and make them happen! The clock is ticking!" It must be a similar feeling that women in their late 20's and early 30's have when all their friends are getting married and having babies and they haven't found "Mr. Right." The sand in the hour glass is running through quickly. Having gotten married at 24 and pretty much knowing I never wanted children, I never experienced that ticking clock syndrome. I think it's my turn now. 

The upside is there really is no biological rush. If I play around with different (wrong) things for the next 10 or 20 years before hitting on my 'dream come true,' I haven't lost anything technically...and hopefully I will have gained loads of experiences, adventures and stories. 

On another upside, my current job pays so little, it's not as if I got used to living in the lap of luxury or anything. Here's Wander Woman trying to think positive as she wanders back into the land of unemployment. 

What Am I Waiting For?

Man, I've got to say. Once again my wonderful friends rally around me with support. Every single one of my friends who have heard my work war stories or read my blog have given their full-fledged support of me quitting this crazy job. Thing is, it's not the actual work I mind. I do some pretty interesting stuff... I write proposals for grants for international training programs, plan the programs, implement the programs, assist the visitors and give tours once they are here, meet fascinating people from all over the world, make new friends, add countries to my list of places to visit, learn about different cultures, fields of study and, with each program, a little more about myself (yeah, even at the ripe old age of 44...eh hem...and then some). 

However, it's the organization itself and its leader that I'm struggling with. So, onward I will go to explore new endeavours...whatever they turn out to be. 

But not ONE of my pals has suggested I stay and try to 'work it out' with the boss man. Well, one did, but after an evening of hearing some of my trials and tribulations, she was adamantly agreeing that I 'just need to quit' along with the others. No one seems concerned that I won't find other work. No one seems aghast at my potential unemployment (once again) and no one is concerned for "my future." 

I think this is just another one of those major differences between men and women. Women seem to know that we're strong enough to get through tough times. We help each other out whenever things get rough. We don't fret about the small stuff and we keep our chins up knowing it will all work out for the best. And it inevitably does. 

Every man in my life (current and past) seems to be more concerned about my future rather than my present. Don't get me wrong. I am definitely thinking about my future and what I do now needs to help with that future, not hinder it. Working at my current job is only hindering (high blood pressure, stress, no sleep, no 401K, minimal insurance, low pay), so I see no point in continuing down that path. I may need to step off the path altogether, re-group and re-route before stepping back out into traffic. But when I do, I'll at least know which road to merge onto and which exits to take. At least that is the goal. 

My horoscope today was a further sign: 

"Not to put any pressure on you, but as things are standing, you might want to do a hard evaluation of your career. Is it working out well for you or is it not? What are your latest achievements? What goals have been left unattained? If you cannot answer positive, this would be the time to make some dramatic changes. If your work does not make your heart sing, then it is time to find employment that does. Life, as they say, is not a dress rehearsal. What are you waiting for before you allow yourself to live authentically?"

After spending two and a half weeks with a group of Egyptian men and women, I'm reminded of how lucky I am to be independent and able to make my own choices in life. What an incredible advantage. I need to continue to take this advantage to put it to good use.

So, yes, what am I waiting for? I suppose the same thing many of us are waiting for...a sign, some cash, an epiphany, an opportunity. It's all coming, I'm sure of it!