Sunday, August 15, 2010

Maxim P.I.

Recently, I received a Maxim Magazine in my mailbox by mistake. It was addressed to a Roberto Figueroa who no longer lives in my apt. and hasn't for over four years. I dragged the rag up to my abode and decided to see just what this Maxim Magazine was all about. I assumed it was a magazine geared toward the male species based on the wet-t-shirt-wearing model on the front cover, so thought I'd indulge myself a bit and learn something of the male perspective. Enlightened, I was.

On page 13, there was an ad to "subscribe now". The ad enticed readers to subscribe to Maxim stating each issue was packed with:

"The World's Sexiest Women (often not wearing pants)
Heaps of Funny-Ass Jokes (sometimes not at all offensive)
Hot New Gadgets and Gear (plug into the latest blinking, beeping goodies)
Movies, Music and Games (if you can waste time with it, we've got it)
Cool Style (seriously, dude, put on a friggin' shirt already)"

At this point, I'm intrigued enough to read on. While the ads include scantily clad women and firm buttocks advertising Syntha-6 (a protein shake) and Tenagaxx (some sort of performance pill I was totally unaware of, but am now quite aware), there were also some quite interesting articles.

I was eager to get a grip on the male perspective. I mean men are often reading Cosmo and Glamour trying to figure women out, so why shouldn't I do the same?

One difference I noticed in the Maxim mag and, say, Cosmo, is the workout section. You know, the one or two page sketches of different moves and descriptions to go with it. While the woman's version just sticks to the facts, the male version keeps a bit of humor about it all.

For example, the "push-up drop set" goes like this: These gradually get easier as you grow more tired (who ever heard of such a thing?). Begin with feet on stair and hands on floor. Do as many push ups as you can until you approach near failure (I love the honesty here). Immediately move into a regular push-up and repeat until near failure. Next, place your feet on the ground and your hands on the step a few levels and repeat until near failure." I wonder how many push-ups constitutes "near failure" for most men?

An entire TWO pages were devoted to barbecue paraphernalia; the Rebel Range which boasts "while you salivate, your meat-spinnery makes crisp, juicy perfection", The BTU Bonsai, Smoke a Hog in a Hole How To's, Bad Aprons (you can just imagine), the pitt mitt, weber pizza stone, and the Steven Raichen Best of Barbecue Spatula. I always thought it was a bit of a joke that men were into the whole BBQ thing. Apparently, it's for real.

The best article, though, was the 'Bachelor Fridge Challenge' where some esteemed chef goes into a bachelor pad and makes a full course meal out of nothing. Really, nothing. The chef finds a old piece of garlic in the fridge, a can of three-bean salad in the cupboard, pasta shells, peanuts, a can of tuna, an old banana and a half eaten pint of Ben and Jerry's. With some creative flair, the chef comes up with a pretty impressive meal. I'm reading this article with particular interest because my bachelorette cupboards are not much different and I'd be curious just what this chef could do for me.

There were various features on a variety of size zero and double ott models donning skimpy lingerie and whatnot and a men's fashion segment involving a spread on sneakers, boxer shorts and sunglasses, i.e., menswear.

The latest issue (yes, I- Roberto- am apparently a regular subscriber now) had an article "Net Benefits- the web is crawling with horny women. Here's how to get them into your bed." Here, ladies, are the tips they suggest for the men out there: Pimp Your Profile (don't give a goofy grin right at the camera), Find the Easy Mark (sussing out the sure thing-- the somewhat attractive, but not the 10's), Woo Her (means write in complete sentences without use of emoticons and poor spelling), Diversify Your Portfolio (don't discount Face Book and Twitter as date finding tools).

This month's food section was all about the jerky- alligator jerky, gerald's sweet and spicy jerky, mountain America spicy turkey jerky, perky jerky (seriously? I hate to wonder what the heck this means?), private reserve sweet and spicy jerky, the list goes on. I can't tell you the last time I ate anything in the jerky family. In the back of most woman's magazines you'll find some recipes to try. This is no different in Maxim. Here I found The Sausage Fest and Hangover Helper recipes, which looked disgusting, by the way, and appeared to involve a lot of cheese, jalapenos, and Miracle Whip. Blech.

Several more pages of soft porn were thrown in for good measure, i.e half naked woman on a beach with a horse, one woman unnaturally climbing a tree, woman in panties and thigh high boots on the back of a Harley, uh huh. And finally, a gut busting guide to man-food. Oh, and if your friends show up unannounced, you just need to serve up some Silver Patron Tequila, opposed to a glass of chilled Chardonnay we women would present.

I love the differences between men and women. It's what makes life so humorous. How is it that God, The Gods, Buddha, Allah, Whomever, matched these two beings up as potential companions? It's completely insane, actually.

All and all, I found the magazine mildly entertaining and it confirmed a few of my ideas of how men think. Having grown up with five older brothers, I certainly had a clue, but this was just the nail in the proverbial coffin.

I'm kind of looking forward to next month's issue.

Best of luck out there, Ladies,

Roberto.