'Tis the Season- Cha Ching

As the Christmas season rears it's materialistic, commercialized head, I once again cringe at the thought of all the unnecessary spending that is about to commence. Or if you're one of the 'Black Friday' shoppers who was at the mall at 12.01 a.m. on the 23rd, you've already begun. The whole idea of the way we celebrate Christmas really turns me off, to put it as mildly as I can. The original purpose of Christmas has been completely lost for most people.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not against giving and receiving by any stretch. But isn't it a time to give 1. what is appropriate, 2. what we can afford, 3. from the heart, not the credit card account and most of all 4. a time for giving to those less fortunate? For most people I know, my circle of friends and family, buying ourselves things we want when we want them is pretty common place. So why are we breaking our necks running out to the crowded stores trying to frantically buy someone that special something, that they will just go out and buy themselves if they really want it?

I know I'm sounding like an old Scrooge, but that's not my point at all. I listen to people talk and it sounds like a contest to see who can spend all their money the fastest. People giving their loved ones "lists" of things they want for Christmas. Are you kidding me? Unless you're five, you should not be presenting anyone with a list. If someone truly wants to give me something, I'd rather they give me what they would like to give me. If it happens to be some ridiculous item I neither can use nor want, I will thank them anyway (because after all they were practicing the spirit of the holiday) and creatively find a use for the gift or find someone with a use.

Most people want to give what the person wants to receive, hence the list. If it's the wrong size, color etc., we trudge back to the sh op to return it. Ugh. More shopping. So to avoid that process, we give a list specifying the exact make, model, size, color and even who has it on sale this season, to make it easier on our gift giving friends.

Which brings me to my point. During my mother's last few years with us, she realized, as many of us should, that there really wasn't anything that she needed. And if she wanted something, she'd go buy it herself. She also didn't want us (adult and hard working) kids to spend our money on her. What she was really saying is that she didn't want us to spend our hard earned money on crap she didn't need. She just wanted our company on Christmas day and requested that we give our gift in the form of charity. She didn't care what charity. She simply asked us to choose our favorite charity and give a donation in lieu of gifts to her. That sounded great to us...so we did. And it felt good. Christmas day was simple. We still had a wonderful Christmas dinner, family time, our usual rousing card games and banter. But getting others on board with that idea hasn't been so easy. "What's Christmas without presents?" they often say.

I recently received an email from a friend encouraging this 'alternative to gift giving.' It was a great reminder of those last Christmas's with my mother, the spirit of Christmas and to remember all those who really are in need. I am currently making a very low wage at my job, pet sit for additional money, don't own a car and just got a notice that my rent will go up in January. But I feel extremely fortunate, because in all honesty, I really don't need anything from some store. Sure I have a few simple wants, which I will purchase myself as money permits.

As far as actual gift giving, mine are usually of the consumable, homemade sort. The thought is there, they don't clutter up the house and they have that 'personal' touch. Hope my friends won't be too disappointed when they realize the rest of their gift went to a charity.

Pulled Over For Bad Breath

Last week I was driving home from my new boyfriend's house (more on that later) after a little dinner, DVD and romancin', when I got pulled over by the police. I never get pulled over. I can't even remember the last time I got pulled over. Seriously, it had to be ten years ago...at least. It was about 12.30 or 1.00 in the morning so there was no one on the road. I was pretty sure the officer was going to tell me he pulled me over for illegal lane change. I was coming off the Mercer Street exit turning right onto Fairview Ave. That particular intersection is a little tricky because the roads go from two lanes on Mercer to four on Fairview, and you need to think ahead where you are going so you can choose what lane you need. Anyway, I am pretty sure I sort of slid on over into my lane without properly signaling, checking blind spots etc. It was late and as I said NO ONE was around. Except for my new friend, Officer Bill.

He approaches the car and says he pulled me over for veering over the fog line as I was coming off the exit and asked if I had been drinking. No. Am I tired? Not really, but it is late, so maybe I'm more tired than I think I am.

He asks again "are you sure you haven't had anything to drink tonight?" Okay, that is an entirely different question. I report that I had one glass of wine at around 7.00 p.m. with dinner, but nothing since (true statement).

"Oh, now I smell the wine," he says.

I confess that it's probably my bad onion and chile breath. My date had whipped up a meal of sauteed clams in onions, shallots, chiptole chiles and my breath was seriously suffering.

"No, I know the difference," says OB. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to have you step out of the car and do a roadside test." You've got to be kidding me? I've never had this happen before...and to be honest I'd driven with far more alcohol in my system back in the days of yesteryore. But I know arguing with OB is not going to do me any favors, so out of my vehicle I step.

I go through the entire charade of finger following, walking the line, and the one legged balance maneuver. I'm actually quite shaky because I'm a bit of a wreck. I was thinking how glad I was that it was 1.00 a.m. so there wasn't much traffic. It's a bit humiliating to be doing this test, especially when I know there can't possibly be any alcohol in my system five hours after consuming the stuff. I even told the officer that this whole process was a bit nerve wracking. He didn't find me too charming. And I am pretty self-conscious of my onion-laden breath.

After reducing me to feeling like a complete loser who M.A.D.D. should hunt down, he asks me to breathe into the bad-breath-a-lizer. The look on OB's face was priceless. Clearly, I'd blown a double ott.

With a look of total surprise he said, "okay, wow, that is some stinky wine!"

He was fairly apologetic about making me go through the whole process on account of nasty breath. I told him I understood. He was, after all, just doing his job. And if I had been drinking, then I definitely should not have been behind the wheel. No harm done.

He was actually pretty cute, but I couldn't stand around flirting with the guy...not with my current halitosis condition. I just wanted to get home and soak my mouth in Listerine!

Red Wine Allergies

Things could be progressing with Speed Dater #8 . We've gone out (or gotten together, rather) five times now. On our fourth date, we went for a two hour latte. I don't know how it is we have so much to talk about, but we do. I guess I'm a bit of a talker...and he's a bit of a talker...so you've got two jabber mouths vying for air time. While waiting for our lattes to be 'tossed out' at us at the ever busy Starbucks in my neighborhood, he looked around and asked if there was a place to sit. I said I was sure there was at the other end. And if not, he could kick someone out. He finds me humorous (points for him) and replies in his faux tough man voice, "hey, my girlfriend wants your seat. Move." We chuckle...hardy har. But what I'm actually thinking is, "Girlfriend? This guy doesn't think of me as a 'girlfriend' does he?" That can't be possible. This is our fourth date. Nah...he's just making the comment in jest, right? I'm pretty sure he had to be thinking, "Yikes, did I just call her my 'girlfriend'? She can't take it seriously, right? I was just role playing." Oh, the joys of dating. Communicating. Miscommunicating. Whatever, I let it drop.

So how am I feeling about #8 after five dates now? Well, he's totally not my type. Whatever that means, I'm not even 100% sure. I've dated all types. They are either all my type or none my type. Can't say for sure. I think #8 might be a titch too conservative for me. An ex-military fighter pilot, commercial pilot and now flight instructor conservative type. He's a bit of a goober in a cute sort of way. Hmmm...we definitely get along. I enjoy his company when I'm with him. Except for some of his clothing choices, I'm not cringing when I'm around him. His attire is a bit Jerry Seinfeldish. He's got a 14 year old daughter...doesn't she coach him at all?

And, yes, the 14 year old daughter. THAT works out quite well for me. He's busy with her at least half the time...which keeps me stalker free.

So five dates. I know what you are all asking now. On our second date we had a nice dinner at an Indian restaurant then went back to his for a movie. I noted that he ordered chai tea at the restaurant and he chose an Indy film. More points for him ...for a conservative guy he's willing to branch out a bit. After the film, we did a little smoochin' on the sofa. He was eager to get busy, but I put the kibosh on his plan and left before things heated up too much. I'm a lady after all (anyone who knows me can just stop snickering at this point).

He came by to pick me up for our third dinner date. I invited him in for some wine first. It was a Friday. We'd both had long hard work weeks. We were ready to unwind a bit. I have a tendency to suffer from wine allergies. My nose stuffs up almost immediately, I begin to sneeze and sniffle. However, this time the wine had an entirely different affect. After two bottles, my clothes fell off! I can't say that's never happened before...but it'd been a really long time. So yes, my friends, my sexual moratorium has been lifted. Finally. And I have to say, although I don't think this guy is my type...he's definitely fun in the sack. So I may need to keep him around for a bit. I know that sounds a little crass. But it's not as if I'm using him or anything. Surely he's getting something from our time together as well. Besides, I'm not getting any signals that he is feeling any differently about me. He seems to enjoy my company enough, but he's not mushy, overly attentive, or complimentary in any way. I think we are probably on the same wavelength. As long as he doesn't go referring to me as his "girlfriend" without my consent, we'll be just fine.

Forever Shopping?

Oh this 'transitioning' bit is much more challenging than I'd imagined! A mid-life crisis used to be simply a matter of buying a red corvette convertible, touring the countryside and having various torrid affairs with young hotties (Oh, look at that! A red corvette just passed by as I finished writing that sentence! No kidding.) I suppose if that was all there was to it, a lot more of us would be jumping on the mid-life crisis band wagon.

But no, it is actually more complicated than that, unfortunately. Rather than the red corvette and countryside tour, I flew off on a jet plane and did the European tour, otherwise, my 'crisis' was pretty much of the traditional sort. And I highly recommend it! However, it's the transitioning from the 'crisis' portion to the 'next phase' portion where things get tricky.

Not willing to revert back to where I began: a cubical corporate job which is "safe" yet soul sucking and meaningless. But not having found the perfect job after all this time, nor having found Mr. Perfect in the process either. Why is that? Are the two issues closely related? I think they are. Being in the wrong job is quite like being in the wrong marriage. Both can be stifling, make you feel trapped, stuck or defeated, along with a lot of other negative emotions. And many of the qualities we look for in a job are similar to those we look for in a partner:

1. We want to feel good (both emotionally and physically) with our job/partner.

2. We want to feel we are getting something from our job/partner.

3. We want to feel we are making a positive contribution in our job/relationship.

4. We want to wake up and be excited to be involved with our job/partner.

5. We want to feel important in our job/to our partner.

6. We want respect from our job/partner.

7. We want to have fun with our job/partner.

Right, the criteria is pretty similar. So if I'm seeking the same criteria from both my job AND my partner and haven't found the perfect fit in either category, am I being too demanding? Probably. Should I be that demanding? Definitely.

In talking to a fellow single and actively dating friend the other night, we commented on how people in relationships will often tell us that we might be "too picky." What they are really saying is "just settle...that's what we did."

Thanks anyway. I'll keep shopping.

Stalker Report

A few of you gave me some very sound advice on how to handle this stalker fellow. I really appreciate the feedback. Because I was out of town on business and did not have ample opportunity to cancel this date within a reasonable amount of time, I kept my promise and went on the date. I think calling on the day of the date to say I've had a change of heart might have been a little harsh somehow. So I met him at Elysian Brewery (nothing too dimly lit or romantic in atmosphere) where he says to me "how do you know about this place?" Ummm....I've lived in the area for almost 30 years. He had never been or heard of it, which I found interesting given that he works at Group Health just up the road. Whatever. Everyone can't know everything about every bar in this town. I'll give him a break.

After a couple hours of chatting, he wants to know what the "deal" is with women. We say we want a 'nice' guy, but we really don't. Well, I assured him that I, in fact, DO want to date a 'nice' guy, however, that is not the only quality I look for in a man. As I am sure is the case with most woman (and men) that I know. Nice is not a specific enough description for me to determine if I want to date someone. A lot of people are nice. As a matter of a fact, most people I meet are nice. That doesn't mean we are a match.

I told him what the "deal" was with me. I explained that I was dating other people and that until I find the one person I want to date continually, I am dating. I explained that his constant phone calls, followed up by emails and more phone calls were too much. He needs to back off. He advised me that based on our initial conversation when I told him I was not a phone person, he had toned it way down for my benefit. Wow. If that was the toned down version of this man, I can only imagine what he's normally like.

Besides being an insecure and needy stalker, we really do not have a thing in common. My idea of a romantic evening in might be some nice wine, a cozy fire and a rousing game of scrabble. His was curling up in a blanket to watch Spongebob Square Pants. Need I say more.

The 44 Year Old Dating Novice

I've never been much of a dater. I used to joke that I married my ex-husband because he was the first guy to come along and really treat me well. I was 19 when we met.

In high school I never had a boyfriend, a Steady Eddie to ask to all those Tolos (Sadie Hawkins, girl ask boy dances). I always had to drum up some pal or ask some guy who'd be too nice to say no. It was awful and, although I went through the motions, I was really never thrilled about the actual date portion of the evening. It was more just being part of the event. Usually I was on the committee that planned these dances, so it seemed only natural that I'd attend. But they were never quite as fun as the anticipation- like so many things in life, I've since learned.

So here I am... a 44 year old woman once again trying to date. It's been a long time since I was as excited about the date himself as I was about the outfit I'd wear.

So far the only thing that has developed from the speed dating event last week is a tentative date with #8 and #11 stalker. Yes, #8 (the avid skier) did contact me and we decided to make a date for Sunday pending my arrival back to Seattle from my Eastern Washington work trip. Nice that he is being flexible, but we'll see if I make it back in time.

#11, the stalker, is kinda making me crazy. He calls every day and emails once or twice a day. THIS is why I don't give out my number very readily. And no, this is not in any way 'sweet.' He is a needy, insecure, demanding sort who is getting on my nerves and we haven't even had our first date yet (scheduled for Tuesday). I am seriously considering cancelling. Is it rude to cancel before Tuesday explaining that I've had a change of heart based on our very frequent email and phone conversations? Or is it meaner to go through with the date, and then tell him we are not a match? Neither one seems like a very good option. But option three, feigning serious illness and then never calling him again, is definitely not my style...as much as I wish it were.

I'm just a terrible dater. I wish I were better at it, but when you marry the guy you meet at 19 and stay together for 18 years, you're pretty much going to lack the dating skills that most people develop in their 20's!