Pulled Over For Bad Breath

Last week I was driving home from my new boyfriend's house (more on that later) after a little dinner, DVD and romancin', when I got pulled over by the police. I never get pulled over. I can't even remember the last time I got pulled over. Seriously, it had to be ten years ago...at least. It was about 12.30 or 1.00 in the morning so there was no one on the road. I was pretty sure the officer was going to tell me he pulled me over for illegal lane change. I was coming off the Mercer Street exit turning right onto Fairview Ave. That particular intersection is a little tricky because the roads go from two lanes on Mercer to four on Fairview, and you need to think ahead where you are going so you can choose what lane you need. Anyway, I am pretty sure I sort of slid on over into my lane without properly signaling, checking blind spots etc. It was late and as I said NO ONE was around. Except for my new friend, Officer Bill.

He approaches the car and says he pulled me over for veering over the fog line as I was coming off the exit and asked if I had been drinking. No. Am I tired? Not really, but it is late, so maybe I'm more tired than I think I am.

He asks again "are you sure you haven't had anything to drink tonight?" Okay, that is an entirely different question. I report that I had one glass of wine at around 7.00 p.m. with dinner, but nothing since (true statement).

"Oh, now I smell the wine," he says.

I confess that it's probably my bad onion and chile breath. My date had whipped up a meal of sauteed clams in onions, shallots, chiptole chiles and my breath was seriously suffering.

"No, I know the difference," says OB. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to have you step out of the car and do a roadside test." You've got to be kidding me? I've never had this happen before...and to be honest I'd driven with far more alcohol in my system back in the days of yesteryore. But I know arguing with OB is not going to do me any favors, so out of my vehicle I step.

I go through the entire charade of finger following, walking the line, and the one legged balance maneuver. I'm actually quite shaky because I'm a bit of a wreck. I was thinking how glad I was that it was 1.00 a.m. so there wasn't much traffic. It's a bit humiliating to be doing this test, especially when I know there can't possibly be any alcohol in my system five hours after consuming the stuff. I even told the officer that this whole process was a bit nerve wracking. He didn't find me too charming. And I am pretty self-conscious of my onion-laden breath.

After reducing me to feeling like a complete loser who M.A.D.D. should hunt down, he asks me to breathe into the bad-breath-a-lizer. The look on OB's face was priceless. Clearly, I'd blown a double ott.

With a look of total surprise he said, "okay, wow, that is some stinky wine!"

He was fairly apologetic about making me go through the whole process on account of nasty breath. I told him I understood. He was, after all, just doing his job. And if I had been drinking, then I definitely should not have been behind the wheel. No harm done.

He was actually pretty cute, but I couldn't stand around flirting with the guy...not with my current halitosis condition. I just wanted to get home and soak my mouth in Listerine!