Freedom to Fly

Part (a big part) of what makes my life transitioning so challenging is the amount of freedom I'm given. I spent most of my life growing up wanting and expecting to have lots of choices and doing what I choose. On the flip side of this desire is my severe lack of decision making abilities. I can't make a decision to save my life. When ordering a meal at a restaurant (and my friends can attest to this), I have to know what everyone else at the table is having before I can make my choice. I don't particularly enjoy shopping, usually because I can't make a decision about a purchase.
When I do finally make a decision, I often bring the item home and try it on a million times staring at myself in the mirror, checking to see if it works with my wardrobe, my lifestyle, fretting over whatever I paid.

For example, I have a pair of sandals I bought on February 23 that are still in their box, in the original bag with the receipt because I'm still not 100% sure if I want to keep them. I've had them a month and I'm still not sure? Hmmm, maybe that is why I was with my husband for 18 years before divorcing him? I was just trying him on....for a really long-ass time. Turned out, he really wasn't a fit after all.

Last night I went to the film "Flying: Confessions of a Free Woman" directed by Jennifer Fox. This is a story about a 40(ish), single, successful woman (specifically, Jennifer) trying to figure out what she truly wants in life. The story is filmed in what felt to me like an almost documentary/reality TV style format. At first I wasn't sure if it was working for me. It wasn't long, however, before I was completely drawn into the story, the characters, the issues discussed. The biggest issue being that women all over the world are very much alike.

The heroine travels all over the world visiting girlfriends to discuss her life dilemma of wanting a child, not necessarily wanting a husband, wanting a man she can't have, having a man she doesn't necessary want 100% of the time, wanting her career, and yet, wanting a change of life. It's a common dilemma for many women. We, in America, are fortunate enough to have the choices we have. To be able to do whatever we put our minds and energy into. The film reminds us that isn't the case worldwide. In most un/underdeveloped countries women are resigned to the cards they are dealt. Being a woman means something entirely different in their countries than it does in ours.

The unfortunate piece of our scenario as American women is that we have so many choices and opportunities, we don't always know what we really want. Therefore, we don't always know how to go about getting what will make us the happiest. At one point in the film the heroine says " I want to change my life. I'm not sure in what way, but I know I want a change." And there in lies the problem for many of us attempting transitions. We don't know what we're evolving into. So until it's clarified, we spin in circles, talking to our friends, traveling the world, looking for answers, and for some of us, changing jobs every six months!

This film is a two part series, each part is approximately three hours long. I'm not a fan of super long films, but this one actually got my attention. After the viewing last night, my girlfriend and I went for a drink and late night snack and chatted about the film, the women from all over the world, the main character and our own situations. We're now deeply drawn into the story and simply must see how it ends.

"Flying" is playing at the Seattle International Film Festival Cinema at Seattle Center through April 10th. If you're a woman in transition, a woman who's gone through a life questioning phase, a woman, or you know a woman, you might just enjoy this film!