What Do We Do?

Within the last couple of days, at least three women friends have expressed their dating frustrations.



"What are we doing wrong?" they ask. A question I ask myself regularly.



Upon reflection and discussion with other single (and fabulous) women, clearly we aren't doing anything wrong. It's my theory that women have evolved into these even more amazing creatures over the last few decades and men, frankly, aren't sure what to make of us.



Women have become more independent than ever, earning good salaries, obtaining PhD's, owing their own homes, nice cars (okay, so maybe this woman doesn't fit any of the posted criteria...but many do!). We'll dine alone, travel solo, do our own home repairs (our hire someone to do them for us). For the most part we're physically fit, financially fit, and fairly successful. I think men could be just slightly intimidate. Okay, so no man is intimidated by my "financial fitness"-- of course not. Rather, my financial situation has men running in the opposite direction. But I'm not just talking about ME here. I'm talking about single women as a whole.



A couple years ago, the fireman I was dating said to me during one of our final conversations, "men just want to be needed." Aahhh, I wasn't providing this guy with the opportunity to be my "hero." Clearly, given his profession, that was an important role for him to play in his relationships with women, as well as, his work. I was not the girl for him.



Number Eight's ex-wife turned out to be clinically diagnosed with a mental disorder. She refused to get help and he tried to work with it for seven years before giving up and filing for divorce. He then told me his last serious girlfriend, for whom he had been shopping for rings, also had a problem with depression. One of his closest female friends, is an alcoholic and until recently was without any positive direction. Apparently, he has an attraction to women with emotional/mental disorders who he might be able to 'help'? Being pretty emotionally balanced and happy (I know I know, sometimes you'd wonder) I am, again, not that girl.



A discussion with one of my single pals over cocktails the other night revealed that it wasn't enough for men to just be "wanted" by women. By only being wanted and not actually needed, there's too great a risk of being "unwanted" one day. We may decide to just discard them like a pair of outdated shoes or a dress that no longer fits like it used to. The "need" factor guarantees you'll stick around. You need his money, his house, his 'handyman' abilities. Something to keep him in control of the relationship. Within my circle of friends, no one has such a need. Other than the physical need, women just don't need men in the same way that we used to. We're really just looking for someone we want, who wants us in return.



Unfortunately, all this need vs want business is causing men to become more confused and then their resulting behavior becomes confusing to women. It's a vicious cycle. I, for one, do not intend to pose as a weak, needy damsel (alright, technically I'm too old to be a 'damsel') in distress. And I don't know any woman who does.



So what's the answer to the "What are we doing wrong?" question? Nothing. Just keep doing what we're doing and have fun doing it! The right guy will trip along eventually. I'm pretty sure of it.



end note: There isn't anything wrong with "needing" someone, by the way.