What's Missing?

It's been five years since my divorce. Five years and I haven't met anyone "special" who has swept me off my feet. Well, one guy swept me onto my @$$ as he semi-broke my heart and disappeared into the abyss. But honestly, that wasn't a long-term serious thing anyway. So, no...no one has tripped along coming even close to being my 'soul mate', my 'life long partner' or anything remotely boyfriendish. Not even a regular fella to date more than once or twice.

When I first left my husband, all I wanted was to be alone. I wanted to "see the riviera and watch the sun come up in a stranger's arms" as Cheryl Crow would croon in the song that resonated with me and my situation at the time. And I got exactly what I wanted. I'd never really been alone having met my husband my first year at college and never really dating much before then. I used to joke that I married the first decent guy who paid attention to me. After almost 18 years together, alone was definitely what I craved. I basked in my aloneness and my freedom. And I still do most of the time. It's quite freeing not to have anyone else's agenda to consider while considering what I feel like doing on any given day.

Yesterday, after a rainy walk and exploration of the amazing and tropical Volunteer Park Conservatory, I snuggled down to watch "Pillow Talk" with Doris Day and Rock Hudson. Oh, Rock...now there's a man. Mmmm. In the beginning of the film, Doris makes a comment about how much she likes living alone. She has a great apartment, a terrific career as an interior decorator and dates eligible gentlemen who take her out to nice places. What could be missing? To which her maid says "If you have to ask, you're definitely missing it."

Mmmm....good point.

The other day I saw my friend, J, who had just seen my ex-husband. So she gave me the update on his life. Although we don't speak (his choice, not mine), I still like to know what he's up to and that he's doing well. J informed me that he was very happy with his new gal. I knew that they'd been together...well, pretty much since the day I said I wanted a divorce. He wasted no time filling the void I left. That's fine. My choice was to be alone. That was not his choice and he made that clear. Good for him. We both got what we wanted...and needed. I am truly happy that he found someone better suited for him and he is happy. I'd be riddled with guilt if he was alone trying to find that someone to share life with, while I was traipsing through Europe having a hay day and sowing oats like a mad woman.

However, what I don't really need to know are the details. His new woman is Dr. Perfect (yes, a pediatric oncologist), an architect (she drew plans for their house remodel), basically a genius from what I'm told. She is Croatian - the most beautiful women in the world according to Croatian men, as well as many other men around the globe. She speaks at least three languages fluently and she managed to get my ex to support her during the last five years as she isn't qualified to practice medicine in the States. She hasn't taken the US exams yet. She is a genius. I couldn't get the guy to entertain the idea of me quitting my miserable insurance job unless I had a job lined up. No unemployment in our house by golly. He wasn't about to carry the load even for a few weeks. She hit it off with my ex-doctor who chewed me out royally for leaving my husband, and to top it off she has the metabolism of a gnat!

No I'm not bitter. Envious? Possibly. Of course, I'm glad he has found someone great. As I said, riddled with guilt otherwise. But sheesh. Does she have to be soooooooooo much better? Clearly, I wouldn't give a rat's @$$ if I had Mr. Perfect sleeping in my bed. This I do realize.

Well, off I go...to carry on with my well-made single life. Which I do enjoy....yes, I do.