There are definitely more than ten, I'm sure. And the list may change from week to week, or even day to day depending on my mood, my last date, or the weather. But today my list includes (but is not limited to):
1. Eating while standing over the kitchen sink. I know this is wrong, considered unhealthy and a sure-fire way to gain weight. But I just love this sinful act. It's so efficient and satisfying somehow. Maybe because it is so wrong.
2. Double dipping. (Need I say more?)
3. Taking an uninterrupted nap on the sofa on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Okay, sure, taking a nap with someone special would be ideal, but hey, aloneness is what I'm working with at the moment.
4. Planning my daily activities (and life in general) without the need to consider the significant other.
5. Spending money without explanation to anyone.
6. Not spending money on things you don't want, but he thinks are necessary.
7. When sick, being able to freely cough, sneezy, spew germs all over your home without feeling guilty about spreading the nastiness to your loved one.
8. Staying in your p.j.'s til noon on Sunday if that's what you want. No one has to know!
9. Coming home to an empty apartment. I know this is really weird, but I actually like this part about being single. It feels like stepping into my own little haven, untouched and undisturbed by anyone.
10. Walking around my apartment in my bra and panties with L'Oreal Preference on my hair and a seaweed anti-aging face mask. Things I did openly with my first husband, I just can't even imagine doing in front of anyone else.
I'm certain the list of great things about being in a relationship would be much longer than this, but today, I'm celebrating NOT being in a relationship. Life is good.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
21st Century Princess
In the April 2008 edition of SeattleWoman Magazine, Wenda Reed's article "Playing Princess" hit home for me. Reed describes the experience of raising a daughter who loved to dress up and play princess and her struggle, as a professional mother, of balancing the princess persona that Disney and Mattel peddle with her own values of becoming a strong and independent woman.
I, too, grew up playing 'dress up' in the attic with my friends. My mother supplied us with boxes of glamorous old gowns, boas, high heeled shoes and accessories with which we spent hours adorning ourselves. On warm summer afternoons, we'd put on performances for our parents and neighbors in the back yard with lawn furniture for theater seating.
Playing dress up was my favorite 'game' until I discovered Barbie. And then it was all about dressing up her and her friends in stunning, glamorous or trendy outfits.
In our uber-casual and foul-weathered city, it is often difficult to come up with an excuse to get dressed up. But those of us who are 'princesses' deep down, would like to find more opportunities to play the role.
Growing up the youngest and only girl behind a fist full of boys, I was adequately picked on and teased which ultimately made me a stronger woman. Watching my mother in her role as 'stay at home mom/housewife' I knew that was not the role I wanted to play. She would lose herself in historical romance novels night after night and tell me "this is my chance to fantasize about a different life." Yikes. What an impression that made on me! Although I had read a few of her novels, it didn't take long before I became bored of those stories of helpless women being rescued by some guy.
I did whatever I could to not become my mother (although from the looks staring back at me from the mirror, I could be backsliding a bit!). I went to a four-year university and got a B.A. in Communications (journalism). I got a decent paying job so I could look after myself (not in journalism). I chose not to have six children (not even one). And whenever I find myself feeling dissatisfied with some part of my life, I attempt to take steps to change it or find a way to become satisfied while the changes are in motion (because often change does take time).
I do feel like I'm pretty self-sufficient and independent and can stand on my own two feet...even if I am a little wobbly at times and have to ask for help (I just call that being resourceful). I've traveled solo throughout Europe and slept in some funky beds and peed in Turkish toilets. I've spent years remodeling houses, roofing, hanging drywall, painting, excavating, pouring concrete, laying brick and fixing toilets. And underneath the work gloves were always a set of manicured hands. Cause that little girl princess is never too far away.
The other day, in my post Coupling, I mentioned how after an evening at #8's place, he scooted me out of the house at 10.30 at night to walk the four or five blocks to the bus stop and wait alone in the cold. It is not an unsafe neighborhood by any stretch and I was certainly capable of looking after myself and getting home just fine on the bus. But I was bothered by this lack of concern from #8. Or was it a lack of respect? I just couldn't put my finger on it, but it did gnaw at me for several days.
I saw Eight the other night for dinner and I decided I needed to bring this issue to his attention. So when the timing was right and we were relaxed, I told him how I'd been feeling. He was completely shocked. I had caught him entirely off guard. He admitted the thought of walking me to the bus stop never occurred to him. Because I come off so "self-sufficient and independent" he didn't even consider walking me. But after some discussion (and me giving him the same scenario using his daughter for example) he totally got it. He said to me, " I hear what you're saying. Although you are very strong and independent, you would still like to be treated like a woman." EXACTLY.
Actually, I want to be treated like a princess. But being treated like a woman would be a good start.
I, too, grew up playing 'dress up' in the attic with my friends. My mother supplied us with boxes of glamorous old gowns, boas, high heeled shoes and accessories with which we spent hours adorning ourselves. On warm summer afternoons, we'd put on performances for our parents and neighbors in the back yard with lawn furniture for theater seating.
Playing dress up was my favorite 'game' until I discovered Barbie. And then it was all about dressing up her and her friends in stunning, glamorous or trendy outfits.
In our uber-casual and foul-weathered city, it is often difficult to come up with an excuse to get dressed up. But those of us who are 'princesses' deep down, would like to find more opportunities to play the role.
Growing up the youngest and only girl behind a fist full of boys, I was adequately picked on and teased which ultimately made me a stronger woman. Watching my mother in her role as 'stay at home mom/housewife' I knew that was not the role I wanted to play. She would lose herself in historical romance novels night after night and tell me "this is my chance to fantasize about a different life." Yikes. What an impression that made on me! Although I had read a few of her novels, it didn't take long before I became bored of those stories of helpless women being rescued by some guy.
I did whatever I could to not become my mother (although from the looks staring back at me from the mirror, I could be backsliding a bit!). I went to a four-year university and got a B.A. in Communications (journalism). I got a decent paying job so I could look after myself (not in journalism). I chose not to have six children (not even one). And whenever I find myself feeling dissatisfied with some part of my life, I attempt to take steps to change it or find a way to become satisfied while the changes are in motion (because often change does take time).
I do feel like I'm pretty self-sufficient and independent and can stand on my own two feet...even if I am a little wobbly at times and have to ask for help (I just call that being resourceful). I've traveled solo throughout Europe and slept in some funky beds and peed in Turkish toilets. I've spent years remodeling houses, roofing, hanging drywall, painting, excavating, pouring concrete, laying brick and fixing toilets. And underneath the work gloves were always a set of manicured hands. Cause that little girl princess is never too far away.
The other day, in my post Coupling, I mentioned how after an evening at #8's place, he scooted me out of the house at 10.30 at night to walk the four or five blocks to the bus stop and wait alone in the cold. It is not an unsafe neighborhood by any stretch and I was certainly capable of looking after myself and getting home just fine on the bus. But I was bothered by this lack of concern from #8. Or was it a lack of respect? I just couldn't put my finger on it, but it did gnaw at me for several days.
I saw Eight the other night for dinner and I decided I needed to bring this issue to his attention. So when the timing was right and we were relaxed, I told him how I'd been feeling. He was completely shocked. I had caught him entirely off guard. He admitted the thought of walking me to the bus stop never occurred to him. Because I come off so "self-sufficient and independent" he didn't even consider walking me. But after some discussion (and me giving him the same scenario using his daughter for example) he totally got it. He said to me, " I hear what you're saying. Although you are very strong and independent, you would still like to be treated like a woman." EXACTLY.
Actually, I want to be treated like a princess. But being treated like a woman would be a good start.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Not Alone
While I was out walking the Boston Terrier I am dog sitting this week, I bumped into the dog sitter walking the German Shepard in his charge next door. We got to chatting (because that's what I do best) and within a brief encounter I learn that my fellow dog sitter is a 40 something year old man in transition. Just out of a 10 year relationship (he's gay for all of you whose eyebrows just raised hopeful for me), Fellow Dog Sitter is in Seattle staying at his friend's next door trying to decide where his life will take him next. Previously a chef, he's been unemployed for the past year and he is ready to do something different in the field of food. Ready to try a new city, he's here for a few weeks to check out Seattle and see if he'd like to move here. Or maybe he'll go try somewhere else. He's not sure.
We exchanged a brief history, background, hopes and desires before heading in our opposite directions. He was returning from his dog walk and I was just setting out. As I continued down my path, I smiled thinking to myself, "yup, there are a lot of us out there."
We exchanged a brief history, background, hopes and desires before heading in our opposite directions. He was returning from his dog walk and I was just setting out. As I continued down my path, I smiled thinking to myself, "yup, there are a lot of us out there."
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Flying: Part II - What Happens to the Free Woman?
Last Thursday I went to the sequel to "Flying: Confessions of a Free Woman." Something had changed since the first piece. In Part I, our heroine was on a quest to find out how other women around the globe handled their femininity in their cultures. She traveled to Germany, South Africa, Pakistan, several places around the U.S. to discuss women's issues with her friends all around the world.
But in Part II, within the first thirty minutes of the film, our star began to sound whiny, co-dependent, and rather than to listen to what the women she was interviewing were telling her, she was moaning about her own life.
Her first visit was to a Russian woman's home whom she had befriended over the internet. It was clear that within a few days at this new friend's home she was such a downer, the new friend was doing whatever it took to encourge her to move on, move on with her life and move on from her home! The Russian host all but bought her a plane ticket to go visit her boyfriend in Zurich and even drove her to the airport personally.
She visited some Somalian women in England who taught her about "female circumcision" as they called it. They launched into full details about their experiences as young girls, how they felt about the tradition then and how they feel now and how it's changed their lives. They discussed their sexuality and their culture and their purpose in the world today.
The director then took us back to South Africa, to her friend's home in the mid-western United States who has been struggling as a single mom, and to various friend's homes in and around NYC.
Each woman had her story, her struggles, and often from a culture that we Americans find difficult to relate to .
The recurring theme, however, was how the leading lady, the successful New York City film director Jennifer Fox, was struggling to have a baby at 44 years old. She'd already had two miscarriages, she was attempting the expensive IVF process, she was struggling with her Swiss boyfriend and her South African lover. She breaks up with the boyfriend to be with the lover (he finally leaves his wife), but then that doesn't actually work out ...surprise surprise. So then she is entirely manless. Sigh.
When my friend and I left the theater that night, we were a little disappointed and felt Jennifer missed the mark. Here women all over the world were really struggling. Their cultures often suppress them, they remain uneducated, abused or they simply just don't have choices. They would have given their left arm to have her life and yet all she could do was complain.
I was thinking about my own life. Eh hem. Right. I know I do tend to drone on about my petty issues: the lack of decent men in my life, my crap paying job, the Prozac and St John's wort inducing weather in this town, my tiny one bedroom apartment and transportationally challenged lifestyle. But the fact is, I wouldn't trade my life for a second (well, I might trade a few pieces...but not the whole thing!). I have chosen the way I live, which is one huge difference. I've had the nice home, the husband, the decent paying job, car, ski condo and Ann Taylor wardrobe. I walked away from it on my own two feet (heh heh...quite literally...as I'm still walking..to the bus stop in the rain!). And I'm happy with my choices. I'm happy I had the choices. I'm happy I still have choices, whether I choose to make them or choose to stay put. It's my choice.
After some discussions with my women friends these past few days, I'm convinced it is better to have the choices and be a little confused sometimes about making the "right" choice, than not to have choices at all.
But in Part II, within the first thirty minutes of the film, our star began to sound whiny, co-dependent, and rather than to listen to what the women she was interviewing were telling her, she was moaning about her own life.
Her first visit was to a Russian woman's home whom she had befriended over the internet. It was clear that within a few days at this new friend's home she was such a downer, the new friend was doing whatever it took to encourge her to move on, move on with her life and move on from her home! The Russian host all but bought her a plane ticket to go visit her boyfriend in Zurich and even drove her to the airport personally.
She visited some Somalian women in England who taught her about "female circumcision" as they called it. They launched into full details about their experiences as young girls, how they felt about the tradition then and how they feel now and how it's changed their lives. They discussed their sexuality and their culture and their purpose in the world today.
The director then took us back to South Africa, to her friend's home in the mid-western United States who has been struggling as a single mom, and to various friend's homes in and around NYC.
Each woman had her story, her struggles, and often from a culture that we Americans find difficult to relate to .
The recurring theme, however, was how the leading lady, the successful New York City film director Jennifer Fox, was struggling to have a baby at 44 years old. She'd already had two miscarriages, she was attempting the expensive IVF process, she was struggling with her Swiss boyfriend and her South African lover. She breaks up with the boyfriend to be with the lover (he finally leaves his wife), but then that doesn't actually work out ...surprise surprise. So then she is entirely manless. Sigh.
When my friend and I left the theater that night, we were a little disappointed and felt Jennifer missed the mark. Here women all over the world were really struggling. Their cultures often suppress them, they remain uneducated, abused or they simply just don't have choices. They would have given their left arm to have her life and yet all she could do was complain.
I was thinking about my own life. Eh hem. Right. I know I do tend to drone on about my petty issues: the lack of decent men in my life, my crap paying job, the Prozac and St John's wort inducing weather in this town, my tiny one bedroom apartment and transportationally challenged lifestyle. But the fact is, I wouldn't trade my life for a second (well, I might trade a few pieces...but not the whole thing!). I have chosen the way I live, which is one huge difference. I've had the nice home, the husband, the decent paying job, car, ski condo and Ann Taylor wardrobe. I walked away from it on my own two feet (heh heh...quite literally...as I'm still walking..to the bus stop in the rain!). And I'm happy with my choices. I'm happy I had the choices. I'm happy I still have choices, whether I choose to make them or choose to stay put. It's my choice.
After some discussions with my women friends these past few days, I'm convinced it is better to have the choices and be a little confused sometimes about making the "right" choice, than not to have choices at all.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Coupling
I realize the biblical, historical, traditional and economical situations of the past resulted in the need for 'coupling.' But why is so much focus placed on being a 'couple' in today's modern world? In the past coupling was a business transaction, between families. Fathers negotiated over their children when they were still small as a matter of what...and who...would make the most business sense.
Today coupling is still big business. How many 'mate finding' services are out there these days? Hundreds? Thousands? Match.com, Yahoo.com, Cupid.com, eHarmony.com, It's Just Lunch, Speed Dating, Blind Dating, Singles Mixers, Events and Adventures. The list goes on.
eHarmony advertises their success rate at not just finding you a partner, but finding you a spouse. Match.com promises that if you don't find someone 'special' within six months, they will give you six months free. After six months of that brutal process, why would I want to continue the same exact process for another six months. Most people I know move on and try different avenues after six months of grueling dates.
Yes, I've attempted all the traditional and 21st century dating methods...and I continue to date anyway. Last week I had a blind date. It was a set up by a woman friend I met at a singles mixer. Only I would go to a singles mixer to meet men and come away with yet more women friends! Anyway, this friend wanted to set me up with her good friend and I said "sure, why not." After I agreed, she sent me his photograph. Ummm, okay kind of too late to back out at this point. And it'd be rude. I mean not everyone takes the best photos. I, for one, do not photograph well, and my friends would agree.
The date was typical. We meet, have a nice conversation over dinner, I don't feel any physical attraction to Mr. BD (Blind Date) whatsoever, I pay my half of the meal, he does not offer to drive me home, and he wants to see me again. sigh. When does this cycle end? And what is wrong with men in this town? Does anyone out there date a man with manners?
Last night #8 (yeah, he's still in the picture although more on the edges...the mat really) had me over to his house for a homemade Italian dinner. The meal was great, he served wine rather than milk or water for a change, we watched a movie, had fantastic sex in the middle of the film, finished the movie and then he sent me out the door to catch my bus at 10.30 p.m. Now I wasn't even suggesting he drive me home. As a matter of fact, I told him I would catch the bus. But doesn't it seem polite to at least walk a girl to the bus stop four blocks away and wait til she got safely on the the bus? I mean, I walked my gal pal to the bus the other night as she didn't live in my neighborhood and it was late at night. What's wrong with this (and most) men? I honestly do not get it. It must be me. Part of the problem is I won't ask a guy to do these favors. I expect them to just know how to behave. Then they don't pass the test because they are simpletons and I get annoyed.
Coupling. Yeah. I need to just date for the sake of dating...or rather for the 'sex of dating'. And continue living my quite exciting, free, and pretty fulfilling single life.
Today coupling is still big business. How many 'mate finding' services are out there these days? Hundreds? Thousands? Match.com, Yahoo.com, Cupid.com, eHarmony.com, It's Just Lunch, Speed Dating, Blind Dating, Singles Mixers, Events and Adventures. The list goes on.
eHarmony advertises their success rate at not just finding you a partner, but finding you a spouse. Match.com promises that if you don't find someone 'special' within six months, they will give you six months free. After six months of that brutal process, why would I want to continue the same exact process for another six months. Most people I know move on and try different avenues after six months of grueling dates.
Yes, I've attempted all the traditional and 21st century dating methods...and I continue to date anyway. Last week I had a blind date. It was a set up by a woman friend I met at a singles mixer. Only I would go to a singles mixer to meet men and come away with yet more women friends! Anyway, this friend wanted to set me up with her good friend and I said "sure, why not." After I agreed, she sent me his photograph. Ummm, okay kind of too late to back out at this point. And it'd be rude. I mean not everyone takes the best photos. I, for one, do not photograph well, and my friends would agree.
The date was typical. We meet, have a nice conversation over dinner, I don't feel any physical attraction to Mr. BD (Blind Date) whatsoever, I pay my half of the meal, he does not offer to drive me home, and he wants to see me again. sigh. When does this cycle end? And what is wrong with men in this town? Does anyone out there date a man with manners?
Last night #8 (yeah, he's still in the picture although more on the edges...the mat really) had me over to his house for a homemade Italian dinner. The meal was great, he served wine rather than milk or water for a change, we watched a movie, had fantastic sex in the middle of the film, finished the movie and then he sent me out the door to catch my bus at 10.30 p.m. Now I wasn't even suggesting he drive me home. As a matter of fact, I told him I would catch the bus. But doesn't it seem polite to at least walk a girl to the bus stop four blocks away and wait til she got safely on the the bus? I mean, I walked my gal pal to the bus the other night as she didn't live in my neighborhood and it was late at night. What's wrong with this (and most) men? I honestly do not get it. It must be me. Part of the problem is I won't ask a guy to do these favors. I expect them to just know how to behave. Then they don't pass the test because they are simpletons and I get annoyed.
Coupling. Yeah. I need to just date for the sake of dating...or rather for the 'sex of dating'. And continue living my quite exciting, free, and pretty fulfilling single life.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Freedom to Fly
Part (a big part) of what makes my life transitioning so challenging is the amount of freedom I'm given. I spent most of my life growing up wanting and expecting to have lots of choices and doing what I choose. On the flip side of this desire is my severe lack of decision making abilities. I can't make a decision to save my life. When ordering a meal at a restaurant (and my friends can attest to this), I have to know what everyone else at the table is having before I can make my choice. I don't particularly enjoy shopping, usually because I can't make a decision about a purchase.
When I do finally make a decision, I often bring the item home and try it on a million times staring at myself in the mirror, checking to see if it works with my wardrobe, my lifestyle, fretting over whatever I paid.
For example, I have a pair of sandals I bought on February 23 that are still in their box, in the original bag with the receipt because I'm still not 100% sure if I want to keep them. I've had them a month and I'm still not sure? Hmmm, maybe that is why I was with my husband for 18 years before divorcing him? I was just trying him on....for a really long-ass time. Turned out, he really wasn't a fit after all.
Last night I went to the film "Flying: Confessions of a Free Woman" directed by Jennifer Fox. This is a story about a 40(ish), single, successful woman (specifically, Jennifer) trying to figure out what she truly wants in life. The story is filmed in what felt to me like an almost documentary/reality TV style format. At first I wasn't sure if it was working for me. It wasn't long, however, before I was completely drawn into the story, the characters, the issues discussed. The biggest issue being that women all over the world are very much alike.
The heroine travels all over the world visiting girlfriends to discuss her life dilemma of wanting a child, not necessarily wanting a husband, wanting a man she can't have, having a man she doesn't necessary want 100% of the time, wanting her career, and yet, wanting a change of life. It's a common dilemma for many women. We, in America, are fortunate enough to have the choices we have. To be able to do whatever we put our minds and energy into. The film reminds us that isn't the case worldwide. In most un/underdeveloped countries women are resigned to the cards they are dealt. Being a woman means something entirely different in their countries than it does in ours.
The unfortunate piece of our scenario as American women is that we have so many choices and opportunities, we don't always know what we really want. Therefore, we don't always know how to go about getting what will make us the happiest. At one point in the film the heroine says " I want to change my life. I'm not sure in what way, but I know I want a change." And there in lies the problem for many of us attempting transitions. We don't know what we're evolving into. So until it's clarified, we spin in circles, talking to our friends, traveling the world, looking for answers, and for some of us, changing jobs every six months!
This film is a two part series, each part is approximately three hours long. I'm not a fan of super long films, but this one actually got my attention. After the viewing last night, my girlfriend and I went for a drink and late night snack and chatted about the film, the women from all over the world, the main character and our own situations. We're now deeply drawn into the story and simply must see how it ends.
"Flying" is playing at the Seattle International Film Festival Cinema at Seattle Center through April 10th. If you're a woman in transition, a woman who's gone through a life questioning phase, a woman, or you know a woman, you might just enjoy this film!
When I do finally make a decision, I often bring the item home and try it on a million times staring at myself in the mirror, checking to see if it works with my wardrobe, my lifestyle, fretting over whatever I paid.
For example, I have a pair of sandals I bought on February 23 that are still in their box, in the original bag with the receipt because I'm still not 100% sure if I want to keep them. I've had them a month and I'm still not sure? Hmmm, maybe that is why I was with my husband for 18 years before divorcing him? I was just trying him on....for a really long-ass time. Turned out, he really wasn't a fit after all.
Last night I went to the film "Flying: Confessions of a Free Woman" directed by Jennifer Fox. This is a story about a 40(ish), single, successful woman (specifically, Jennifer) trying to figure out what she truly wants in life. The story is filmed in what felt to me like an almost documentary/reality TV style format. At first I wasn't sure if it was working for me. It wasn't long, however, before I was completely drawn into the story, the characters, the issues discussed. The biggest issue being that women all over the world are very much alike.
The heroine travels all over the world visiting girlfriends to discuss her life dilemma of wanting a child, not necessarily wanting a husband, wanting a man she can't have, having a man she doesn't necessary want 100% of the time, wanting her career, and yet, wanting a change of life. It's a common dilemma for many women. We, in America, are fortunate enough to have the choices we have. To be able to do whatever we put our minds and energy into. The film reminds us that isn't the case worldwide. In most un/underdeveloped countries women are resigned to the cards they are dealt. Being a woman means something entirely different in their countries than it does in ours.
The unfortunate piece of our scenario as American women is that we have so many choices and opportunities, we don't always know what we really want. Therefore, we don't always know how to go about getting what will make us the happiest. At one point in the film the heroine says " I want to change my life. I'm not sure in what way, but I know I want a change." And there in lies the problem for many of us attempting transitions. We don't know what we're evolving into. So until it's clarified, we spin in circles, talking to our friends, traveling the world, looking for answers, and for some of us, changing jobs every six months!
This film is a two part series, each part is approximately three hours long. I'm not a fan of super long films, but this one actually got my attention. After the viewing last night, my girlfriend and I went for a drink and late night snack and chatted about the film, the women from all over the world, the main character and our own situations. We're now deeply drawn into the story and simply must see how it ends.
"Flying" is playing at the Seattle International Film Festival Cinema at Seattle Center through April 10th. If you're a woman in transition, a woman who's gone through a life questioning phase, a woman, or you know a woman, you might just enjoy this film!
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