TMI - How Much Is Too Much?

My friend and I are signed up to participate in a Speed Dating event this week. As some of you may be aware, I am familiar with the speed dating arena. Although I’m no expert, I'm somewhat seasoned in the art of the six minute date.


My friend, however, is a Speed Dating novice. She’s been divorced for just over a year ( one year, four months and four days….give or take). Actually, I may be dragging her to this event against her better judgment. However, she'd been in a relationship with her ex-husband for 20-some odd years. It’s weird out in the dating world these days and practice makes...err...perfect?


In a recent discussion with another friend who is going through a divorce and starting to date again, the topic of how much personal info to divulge on the first date arose. Just how much of your baggage do you share and how early in the game do you share it? It’s a sticky situation. There's not an easy answer. We strive to be honest and upfront, without being overly honest or upfront where it isn’t really warranted.


For example, one woman, I’ll call Fran…just because I’m pretty sure no one who reads this blog knows anyone named Fran, and I am trying to keep Fran’s situation anonymous. Fran was involved with a woman a while back. It was a semi-serious relationship, not one of those "college experiments". Fran and her partner were a “couple.” The relationship ended and they each went their separate ways eventually. Fran soon began dating men again. On a recent first time man-date, she was struggling as to whether she should reveal her “lesbian lover episode” to her new potential love interest.

Should she place ALL her baggage out on the table right from the get-go? Or should she just present a smaller version, say more of a carry-on size bag, to this new chap? If she puts it all out there, she risks the chance of scaring him off too early…unnecessarily. Maybe a carry-on is even too much info at this early stage. Maybe just a sleek stylish tote would be more appropriate, i.e. “ I’ve been with a woman.” That seems less daunting maybe. This would either intrigue the fella…or scare him off, if he’s a true conservative. If the latter, Fran probably isn't that interested…given her past and all. Obviously, she is more open minded, and would probably appreciate a man who was a tad more open minded as well.

Last night I was out with a group of women friends and one woman was entertaining us with a new internet dating story (women thrive on this stuff!). Apparently, the dude was yammering on (and on) about everything and asking NO questions of my friend, who was politely trying to listen but in reality making a Christmas shopping list and get-a-way plan during this guy's monologue. The final straw was the point when he told her he was fired for sexual harassment when he was on the police force, but it settled before having to go to trial. Whoa! Did he really just say all that? On a first date? In a coffee shop? I think it was at this point my friend perked up, shook off her daydreaming and knew it was time to call it a night. That is just too much information, a full-sized heavy load of luggage revealed way too early.

When meeting someone for the first time, it’s best to keep it minimal. Give just enough info to keep it interesting, but not so much your date misinterprets the true you- the you you are trying to portray.

During the speed dating event, we have 6 minutes to determine if there is a connection or not. Six minutes to tell our story and gather a bit of our dates’ stories. Six minutes to decide if this is someone we’d like to hear more about and get to know further. And six minutes to reveal our positive attributes and attract the interest of those we are interested in.

With regard to exposing any baggage within this six minute period, a small, coin purse…one with some pretty little beadwork or bling…set out on the table discreetly, would be more than enough for a first meeting to keep it interesting and lively without revealing the entire set of Samsonite.