Seeking Partner Who...

Sitting around our dinner table sipping on the best margaritas we've ever had, a few of us were discussing the internet dating scene and how it just didn't work for us. All the "resumes", the bragging, and verbage that requires an Internet Dating Translation Guide- it's just too much effort for very little (if any) payoff.

Having a sense of humor and seeking partner with a sense of humor seem to be high on the list of characteristics in most ads. Just posting in a dating ad that you’re seeking someone with a great sense of humor is not enough. Everyone thinks they have a great sense of humor. As a matter of fact, I’ve never seen an ad stating “I have no sense of humor, seeking partner who is as serious and dull as I am.” I, for one, think I am at least mildly amusing, but when a blind date began his phone interview with me, the first thing he asked was if I knew any jokes. Umm, eeerr…I felt put on the spot. I don’t know any jokes per se. I just belt out witty comments during appropriate moments and people often respond with laughter. He proceeded to launch into a couple of blonde jokes that generally make any listener (in this case, me) groan at the punch line, but not laugh out loud.

Besides, there are the different types of humor: dry, witty, slap stick, the practical joke, British humor or, what an old boyfriend used to refer to as “bathroom humor”. That’s the kind generally enjoyed by young (and old) boys and includes farting noises, whoopee cushions and burping the alphabet song.

So when advertising the sense of humor, be a bit more specific.

Here's an ad: "Like to meet woman who tries to stay in shape, someone who works out or is active, not too overweight, and is athletic." Anything else, Scott 47? How about just hanging out at your gym. Sounds like your mate might just be there since you have no other description of what you're after.

And then there is No Name. His header says, "Looking for Good Hearted Woman" and the ad goes like this: "I like kayaking, playing basketball, football, dancing, fishing and even snowboarding if you teach me." Apparently No Name has no one to play with him, good hearted or otherwise.

Tyrone is to the point. "My name is Tyrone. I'm 48 y/o, divorced, Catholic, non-smoker and don't drink or do drugs. I have a 20 y/o daughter who stays with her mother in Arizona here in the U.S." Thanks for the very straightforward and boring bio, Tyrone. And yes, although many Americans are crap at geography, I think we all know Arizona is in the U.S. No one is bound to confuse it with the ship.

Several men state they are "seeking a partner in crime". Original.

My favorite of all was a post from Mr. Wankan. "I like to do home repairs. It's very relaxing. There's no feeling like the one you get after a successful slab leak repair under the house." Wow, and I've been depending on my vibrator for such feelings. A friend was recently looking for a handyman to help her around the house. Maybe I should forward this ad to her. I'm pretty sure she mentioned something about a slab leak. She'll thank me later.

One guy says he's a gentle teddy bear with a kind heart. Well, I guess that's good news. Those gentle teddy bears with the nasty tempers can get so ugly.

And finally, here are some translations direct from The Guide.

Always curious and have a lot of energy for life = Type A (could be a jack rabbit in the sack).

Open Minded = Will fool around on you or suggest a threesome

Down to Earth or Easy Going = Lazy, lacks ambition, i.e. you'll have to plan all dates.

Trustworthy or Honest = Cheater. If a guy has to point out his trustworthiness upfront, it's probably a defense mechanism from a past experience in which he got caught.

I have a lot to offer = Has a good job, nice home, respectable car, but is impotent.

I love to cuddle and will tend to your needs = Has no job, but probably good in the sack.

I enjoy the simple things in life = Cheap. His first dates will include romantic and inexpensive activities like hiking, picnics in the park, a fire at the beach and before you know it, the simple things include watching TV and Netflix.

By now you're all thinking "no wonder WW has no boyfriend. She's a callus, cynical B&$#*". There is always that possibility.

Old Dog, No Tricks?

The older I get, and somehow it does seem to keep happening, the older the men who are attracted to me get. Sure I still get hit on by the 'Cougar Hunter'. You know, the young bucks who think any woman over 40 is a Cougar and willing and eager to put out for a young piece of meat. Those days have passed. I've sowed my oats during my Eurotramp years after my divorce. While those trysts were fun at the time and served their purpose, now I'd like an actual relationship of a sort. If I'm going to be with someone, I'd like to dig him, have some things in common and still keep my independence in fairly full-form.


That being said, I still require a healthy and active sex life with said partner. Unfortunately, the reality is that most of these older men (and by "older" I mean basically my same age) either lack sex drive or just simply can longer perform (I'm assuming they once did anyway).


One friend of mine has a theory that since older men no longer have the sexual drive, they also lack the drive to even approach women. A man's desire to meet and approach a woman stems from his sexual desires. We witness this phenomenon all the time in bars, clubs, and other venues where there are loads of 20-30 year olds looking to "hook up". On the contrary, if the desire isn't so strong or is absent altogether, the men tend to stick within their own group of guys barely even noticing women, no less approaching them. They may want to meet a partner to spend time with, but the drive to make much of an effort certainly doesn't seem to be present.


The older boyfriend of another friend was joking around with his buddies about having such a low sex drive at his age (early 50's), that sometimes he has to weigh out whether he'd rather, say, eat a Bratwurst (fully loaded with Sauerkraut), or have sex? He admits, for many men, the Bratwurst often wins out. This is a depressing thought. Do I need to start hanging out at hot dog stands to get a man's attention? Maybe I need to own a hot dog stand. I guess that would only get me close to men who choose the dog over sex. Never mind.

This may explain why a very glamourous friend of mine was recently trying her hardest to flirt with the hot dog stand guy at an event and could not, for the life of her, get his attention.

According to several articles, there are some positives to dating men over 40. One bonus noted was that what they lack in quantity, they make up for with experience and quality. The friend with the over-fifty Bratwurst boyfriend would concur. I suppose I'll need to keep experimenting with that theory.

I don't know what the answer is here. Hope for an older guy who's still got it? Have a serious relationship with the mature guy and keep a sexually satisfying young thing on the side? Or just buck up, be a big girl and face the reality? This dreamer is still adjusting to the reality of going back to her corporate gig. Let's keep these life realities to a minimum. It's rough to squelch all my fantasies at once.