Seeking Partner Who...

Sitting around our dinner table sipping on the best margaritas we've ever had, a few of us were discussing the internet dating scene and how it just didn't work for us. All the "resumes", the bragging, and verbage that requires an Internet Dating Translation Guide- it's just too much effort for very little (if any) payoff.

Having a sense of humor and seeking partner with a sense of humor seem to be high on the list of characteristics in most ads. Just posting in a dating ad that you’re seeking someone with a great sense of humor is not enough. Everyone thinks they have a great sense of humor. As a matter of fact, I’ve never seen an ad stating “I have no sense of humor, seeking partner who is as serious and dull as I am.” I, for one, think I am at least mildly amusing, but when a blind date began his phone interview with me, the first thing he asked was if I knew any jokes. Umm, eeerr…I felt put on the spot. I don’t know any jokes per se. I just belt out witty comments during appropriate moments and people often respond with laughter. He proceeded to launch into a couple of blonde jokes that generally make any listener (in this case, me) groan at the punch line, but not laugh out loud.

Besides, there are the different types of humor: dry, witty, slap stick, the practical joke, British humor or, what an old boyfriend used to refer to as “bathroom humor”. That’s the kind generally enjoyed by young (and old) boys and includes farting noises, whoopee cushions and burping the alphabet song.

So when advertising the sense of humor, be a bit more specific.

Here's an ad: "Like to meet woman who tries to stay in shape, someone who works out or is active, not too overweight, and is athletic." Anything else, Scott 47? How about just hanging out at your gym. Sounds like your mate might just be there since you have no other description of what you're after.

And then there is No Name. His header says, "Looking for Good Hearted Woman" and the ad goes like this: "I like kayaking, playing basketball, football, dancing, fishing and even snowboarding if you teach me." Apparently No Name has no one to play with him, good hearted or otherwise.

Tyrone is to the point. "My name is Tyrone. I'm 48 y/o, divorced, Catholic, non-smoker and don't drink or do drugs. I have a 20 y/o daughter who stays with her mother in Arizona here in the U.S." Thanks for the very straightforward and boring bio, Tyrone. And yes, although many Americans are crap at geography, I think we all know Arizona is in the U.S. No one is bound to confuse it with the ship.

Several men state they are "seeking a partner in crime". Original.

My favorite of all was a post from Mr. Wankan. "I like to do home repairs. It's very relaxing. There's no feeling like the one you get after a successful slab leak repair under the house." Wow, and I've been depending on my vibrator for such feelings. A friend was recently looking for a handyman to help her around the house. Maybe I should forward this ad to her. I'm pretty sure she mentioned something about a slab leak. She'll thank me later.

One guy says he's a gentle teddy bear with a kind heart. Well, I guess that's good news. Those gentle teddy bears with the nasty tempers can get so ugly.

And finally, here are some translations direct from The Guide.

Always curious and have a lot of energy for life = Type A (could be a jack rabbit in the sack).

Open Minded = Will fool around on you or suggest a threesome

Down to Earth or Easy Going = Lazy, lacks ambition, i.e. you'll have to plan all dates.

Trustworthy or Honest = Cheater. If a guy has to point out his trustworthiness upfront, it's probably a defense mechanism from a past experience in which he got caught.

I have a lot to offer = Has a good job, nice home, respectable car, but is impotent.

I love to cuddle and will tend to your needs = Has no job, but probably good in the sack.

I enjoy the simple things in life = Cheap. His first dates will include romantic and inexpensive activities like hiking, picnics in the park, a fire at the beach and before you know it, the simple things include watching TV and Netflix.

By now you're all thinking "no wonder WW has no boyfriend. She's a callus, cynical B&$#*". There is always that possibility.