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Recently the gossip mongers at work have decided the statute on keeping secrets among themselves has run. Last week a co-worker in town on business from Minnesota said to me, "I heard a rumor about you." Hmmm...this is curious. A rumor about moi? When I inquired what said rumor was, she told me she'd heard that Mr. Wonderful and I had been dating. I confirmed that was no rumor and, yes, we've been dating for a year now. She seemed surprised that it'd been that long and she had just heard this fact from some third source. We're nothing if not discreet. Okay, as anyone who's been around us can attest, we are not exactly discreet.

Yesterday another co-worker in Golden, Colorado sent me an Instant Message saying "I heard you have a boyfriend. Anyone I know..." She could skip being coy. I knew she already knew because our co-worker, Fun Bobby, had told her months ago.

My boss asked me last week if we were still dating. I told her we were and she confided that she had told her boss. At this point, I'm nearly expecting to be standing in the checkout line at Safeway and catch a glimpse of the front cover of "Insurance Weekly" showing Mr. Wonderful and I together outside Insurance World. The headline "It's true. They've been seen holding hands!" I'll be wearing those large sunglasses that cover my entire head and Mr. W. will be turning away from the camera. The lens will most definitely capture some extremely unflattering angle that accentuates my all too curvaceous figure in a negative light. Mr. Wonderful will, undoubtedly, look hot and all the girls reading the rag will ask "what is he doing with her?"

Young couples often have to suffer through the marriage question from friends and family at every event and holiday function. They want to know where this relationship is going. They are getting attached to the partner and need to know how invested they should be. It's always a drag when a good friend breaks up with a girlfriend or boyfriend everyone liked. "What happened?" they ask. "Will you remain friends?" their eyebrows furrow in disbelief.

For the slightly older set who may have been married once or twice before, the question of matrimony isn't as pressing as the question of moving in together. Although a few friends and co-workers have asked about marriage (one being the Golden co-worker who said she wanted to "be there" when it happened), the move in is on the forefront of their minds.

After a business meeting with Mr. Wonderful one morning, a co-worker was suddenly standing in front of my desk. "Mr. W. mentioned he was moving to Seattle and I just had to come down and find out if you two were moving in together," she said trying to appear nonchalant.

"Why didn't you just ask him?" I said.

"I didn't want to pry." This she said with a straight face.

Last Sunday I was helping Mr. W. move a few things into his new pad, a condo about a mile from my apartment. He is renting from the cutest elderly Norwegian couple who have been married 57 years! While moving some boxes into his place, we met one of the owners of another unit. Introductions were made, niceties exchanged as we clarified which one of us was moving in and which one of us was not.

"Oh, not yet anyway," the neighbor said smiling at me. "That's an awfully big two bedroom unit!"

"Not big enough," I countered.

At this point, I'm just happy my guy will soon be living in the same zip code.

Baby steps.

Old Dog, No Tricks?

The older I get, and somehow it does seem to keep happening, the older the men who are attracted to me get. Sure I still get hit on by the 'Cougar Hunter'. You know, the young bucks who think any woman over 40 is a Cougar and willing and eager to put out for a young piece of meat. Those days have passed. I've sowed my oats during my Eurotramp years after my divorce. While those trysts were fun at the time and served their purpose, now I'd like an actual relationship of a sort. If I'm going to be with someone, I'd like to dig him, have some things in common and still keep my independence in fairly full-form.


That being said, I still require a healthy and active sex life with said partner. Unfortunately, the reality is that most of these older men (and by "older" I mean basically my same age) either lack sex drive or just simply can longer perform (I'm assuming they once did anyway).


One friend of mine has a theory that since older men no longer have the sexual drive, they also lack the drive to even approach women. A man's desire to meet and approach a woman stems from his sexual desires. We witness this phenomenon all the time in bars, clubs, and other venues where there are loads of 20-30 year olds looking to "hook up". On the contrary, if the desire isn't so strong or is absent altogether, the men tend to stick within their own group of guys barely even noticing women, no less approaching them. They may want to meet a partner to spend time with, but the drive to make much of an effort certainly doesn't seem to be present.


The older boyfriend of another friend was joking around with his buddies about having such a low sex drive at his age (early 50's), that sometimes he has to weigh out whether he'd rather, say, eat a Bratwurst (fully loaded with Sauerkraut), or have sex? He admits, for many men, the Bratwurst often wins out. This is a depressing thought. Do I need to start hanging out at hot dog stands to get a man's attention? Maybe I need to own a hot dog stand. I guess that would only get me close to men who choose the dog over sex. Never mind.

This may explain why a very glamourous friend of mine was recently trying her hardest to flirt with the hot dog stand guy at an event and could not, for the life of her, get his attention.

According to several articles, there are some positives to dating men over 40. One bonus noted was that what they lack in quantity, they make up for with experience and quality. The friend with the over-fifty Bratwurst boyfriend would concur. I suppose I'll need to keep experimenting with that theory.

I don't know what the answer is here. Hope for an older guy who's still got it? Have a serious relationship with the mature guy and keep a sexually satisfying young thing on the side? Or just buck up, be a big girl and face the reality? This dreamer is still adjusting to the reality of going back to her corporate gig. Let's keep these life realities to a minimum. It's rough to squelch all my fantasies at once.

Sex and the City--Positively

After eight years of unsuccessfully running through the dating mill, I thought it might be interesting if I put my friends on the assignment of finding me a good match. After all, who knows you better than your best pals? They probably have a better idea of your type than you do. I was just about to put out an APB advising my girlfriends about town to start the hunt. I'd be up for meeting anyone they thought fit and suitable. This was all just a thought, a plan in my unconventional fantasy world, when a friend said she went out on an eHarmony date recently and thought he was better suited for me. Mid-date she asked her supposed match if he'd be agreeable to meeting a friend of hers. Personally, I probably would have waited until the end of the date, but not my friend. When she sees a possible opportunity to hook two people up, whether professionally or personally, she wastes no time! I think the guy was a little taken aback at first, but he was game. And, of course, so was I.

I asked my friend what it was about this guy that made her think of me. He's a skier, rides motorcycles, and well, she couldn't really put her finger on it, but there were just several things he said throughout their conversation.

After a few email exchanges, we met last Friday at my favorite little neighborhood spot. Within an hour he made a comment about once being in a position of seeing a very large woman in a thong and he'd wished he could erase that vision from his memory. After a comment like that, I had to ask just how that came about. I imagined he'd say he was on a nude beach in Europe or the Caribbean or someplace equally "free". What I didn't expect, was for him to tell me he belonged to a Sex Positive Club. "What the heck is that?" I'm wondering. So I ask. Yes, it's a member's only sex club. Sex rooms, bondage, S&M, torture and the like. Turns out this place is not that far from my apartment. Is that why he offered to meet me in my neighborhood? Or is that coincidence? I ask a few more questions and can tell he's answering a bit more conservatively not to frighten my somewhat conventional self, but I can tell he's feeling me out here-trying to get a sense of just what I'm into. I make it very clear what I'm into and what I'm not into. There's a place for good old fashioned monkey sex and all, but this is way outside of my comfort zone.

Possibly with the hopes of warming me up to some new ideas, he continues with the date anyway. We finished out the evening by heading over to a dueling piano bar, having a few laughs and then calling it a night. I think he may have gotten the impression that since I was having a good time, it meant I was having a good time with him. Men I go out with often get that mixed message.

The next day I was at the ever popular and now famous Fremont Solstice Parade, which sports a lot of nudity and craziness. While standing line for a drink, some character who reminded me of a bad Jim Carey impersonator, begged me to let him buy me a drink. I told him I was "unavailable", but he insisted on buying me that drink anyway. We chatted a bit, but he just reinforced our incompatibility.

Later I was talking to a friend about my ability to reign in the Mr. Wrongs, and her take is that I'm sending out a message to the universe that I'm not ready for a "real" relationship yet, because I'm having far too much fun being free and single. I think this insightful friend may be right. I cannot come up with any other logical explanation.

That being said, I am still open to my friends setting me up. It does make my life interesting.

Good for the Soul

Of all the different dating services there are today speed dating is still my top pick. I always have fun and usually meet someone I end up dating. People often say speed dating isn't for them because "how can you tell anything in six minutes"? From my experience, you can spend hours sorting through on line applicants, have several email exchanges, agree to meet, and within six minutes of meeting face to face you know if you're going to pursue this any further. So I cut out all that "prep-work" and just go straight to the six minute date.

I haven't met "Mr. Right", but really the point is just to date, sort and have fun while on the journey to Mr. Right. And maybe there is no Mr. Right for me. That's okay too, but I'm certainly going to continue dating.

During my last speeding dating episode in mid-Dec (I've only done this three times, so I'm no expert really), I met one interesting guy. Turns out, he was #8 on the docket, the very last contestant. Some of you may recall, my last speed dater was #8, and we dated for, yes, 8 months. My New #8 took me out on what I'd have to say was the best first date I've had in a very long time. We went to the Seattle Art Museum to see the Michelangelo Exhibit, and then had dinner afterwards. He asked me if I would object if he invited another couple along. Of course I didn't object, but I found it rather odd. Inviting another couple on our first date? Shouldn't we try to get to know each other better first before dragging our friends into it? As it turned out, I loved his friends! Furthermore, a good way to get to know someone is by observing them with their friends. I'd never really thought about this before. The entire evening was fun with lively conversation, great banter and I definitely would like to see this guy again.

In the meantime, I've also been seeing this hot hot bus driver who drives me to church every Sunday (okay, not every Sunday because I don't actually attend church every Sunday, but I sure stepped up my attendance after meeting my new chauffeur). I met him a couple months ago and my mouth literally fell open upon climbing aboard the Number 2 bus. This totally Rasta looking dude with the dreads, beautiful smile and knee buckling accent got my full attention. I lived in Europe for over three years, I'm not all that taken in with accents in general, but this one is sexy. I rode to the end of the line with him and we chatted a bit. This went on for a few weeks and I finally formally introduced myself and he asked me to coffee. He's actually not Rasta dude at all, he's from Venezuela. Meow. A coffee date turned into a drink date and I learn more about this fella. He is younger than me, but I don't actually know how old he is. I think I really do not care.

Our last date involved him coming over to mine and cooking for me. While I was a little nervous about the final outcome...eh hem...it's always dangerous to have a sexy man alone in my apartment, I agreed to let him in. Wearing my best jeans, candles lit all over the apt, Marvin Gaye on the Panasonic, what did I honestly expect to happen? Seriously, could it go any other way?

Meanwhile, up in Snohomish County, my New #8 is currently purchasing restaurant coupons and planning events for our next date.

Oh, I haven't perfected the art of dating two men at once. I may need to call in reinforcements for juggling advice in the near future. However, the fact that they live in separate counties is helpful. I am not going to feel bad about it. I'm dating. Getting to know these men. At some point, I'll determine which one, if either one, is a keeper. Honestly, I think my Venezuelan Bus Driver won't last. But like a little Marvin Gaye, he is certainly good for a girl's soul.

Plenty Off Ish

As much as there has been a certain amount of synergy happening in my life, it hasn't been in the area of romance, that's for sure.

I had my first date with a guy from Plenty of Fish (a.k.a. Plenty Off Ish) last night. This guy contacted me first. Then he suggested we meet. This was about a month ago. Due to a variety of circumstances we haven't been able to actually hook up since our first interaction on the internet.

Last night at nearly Five Oh Oh, I get a text message...yeah a text message...asking if I'd like to join him for dinner. I didn't actually see the message until a little after five and I didn't reply right away. I had to hem and haw and stew about it for a few moments. 1. a text message? 2. at five o'clock in the evening? 3. a last minute invitation for dinner? 4. how soon can I be ready? I was sort of in the middle of something 5. I was planning to go to yoga. Do I want to forfeit my yoga? 6. OK, we've been trying to meet, let's just go with this and be spontaneous!

So I call him back, not text. He doesn't answer. I leave a voice message. He calls me back and asks me where would be good for dinner. He asks me to dinner and then doesn't have anything in mind? I get really tired of always having to do the work when it comes to dating.

We were discussing a good meeting spot when I almost said "wherever is convenient for you" and stopped myself short. No, no, no. There I go being all accommodating. I'm the one without a car. He asked me. Let him come to me. And he did come to my neighborhood. I suggested a variety of restaurants, he picked one and we met there. Perfect.

The man was pleasant enough. Isn't that just how you'd want a date to describe you, "pleasant enough?" At the end of the meal (which he paid for), he asked if I wanted to go for a coffee, so we did. He nodded to his car parked across the street obviously making a point to work it into the conversation somehow. I glanced over and said it was nice. However, honestly, I had no idea what it was, but it did look nice. I was looking at it from the side and had no clue of the make or model. I'm not into cars anymore. I used to be years ago. Now I don't even own a car, so I'm really not into them. If they have wheels and an engine, I think they're fantastic. So I fessed up and asked him what it was. He laughed at me and told me it was a Mercedes. He also said it was a very rare model. So I committed the ultimate faux pas by not knowing what the car was and failing to show just how impressed I was. I forgot about men and their cars. Oh well. I think by that point, we knew we were not a match anyway. Yup, that's dating. I'll keep at it.

Back in the Dating Saddle

Today was a first. I had a first date with a man who lives in Lacey (near Olympia if you're wondering "where the #@*# is Lacey?"). We met on Plenty of Fish.com. Our date started at 6.45 a.m. Another first for me. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm not a morning person. Unless I'm getting up to catch a flight somewhere, I'm generally not out of the sack at 6.45 a.m., no less dressed, made up and date-ready at that hour.

My POF date wanted to be sure he wouldn't hit any traffic so he left his house at 5.30 expecting to arrive at mine around 7.30. Luckily he called a little after 6.00 to let me know traffic was smooth and he expected to be at my place around 6.45. Crap. I shook the cobwebs out of my brain and hustled onto my feet to get ready. And what exactly does one do on a date at 6.45 a.m. if it wasn't a continuation of a date from the night before? On those occasions, I'm pretty sure of the protocol.

Our plan was to go to breakfast, so after a climb up to Kelly Park to view the sunrise (somehow this whole date seems backwards already, doesn't it?), we walked to the 5 Spot Cafe on Queen Anne where the breakfast is phenomenal. But they aren't open yet! They don't open until 8.30...the time I'm normally getting out of bed. We wander down the street and decide on El Diablo Coffee Shop. However, it's more coffee-shop than restaurant so breakfast items were limited. After lingering as long as humanly possible over our lattes and toast waiting for things to open, we take a stroll and end up getting pedicures. His suggestion which I commend him for being both bold enough to suggest it and brave enough to go through with it. In hindsight, I realize a couples pedicure is a bit too intimate for a first date activity.

After our pedi's we walked to Pike Place Market (POF hadn't ever been to Seattle and he's lived in the area since 1995.). We did the tour, saw the fish toss, took photos, had a Starbucks, all the while discussing all the things you discuss on a first date.

If I had realized he was from Lacey initially, I wouldn't have replied to his first contact. That's just geographically unrealistic for this transportationally challenged woman. He's also looking for someone who is ready to settle down in his Lacey home which includes a TV in every room, a DVD collection of 1300 movies, and three vehicles (a truck, a muscle car and a van). He doesn't like the city or the country. He likes what he calls "the in between" because they have it "all", a Home Depot, Lowe's and Block Buster Video where you can park real easily. Yeah, that's what I dub the "suburbs." Clearly, this wandering urban woman is not a match for this Lacey nester.

His parking meter ran out at noon and I chose to end the date at that point. I began to ask him if he needed a bite or a drink before heading south to beat traffic, but quite frankly, after 5+ hours of morning date, what I needed was a nap.

This internet dating is just too much work for me. Work I really don't want to do. I've got a 25 year old whose user name is "24talkin2u"... and another 28 year old user name "bahamapapa" who wants to 'chat.' There's only one possible topic we could be chatting about and I'm not into it. Then a 60 year old vies for my attention with pictures that range from 1977-2002. Yes, his most recent photo is six years old. And here I was feeling a little guilty about my own photo which is a year old.

To top it off, my worst fear has been realized. A male friend came across my profile and called me up to pitch me some crap about it. Ugh. Somehow there is just a weird, creepy feeling about having your pals see you in action, selling your stupid self on the internet. He even admitted that he felt oddly freaked out about reading my personal profile. He quickly clicked out of it and then called me up! Since he didn't respond to it on line, I have no idea what his user name is, or I might have taken a peak and checked out his profile. I mean tit for tat. He saw me naked, so now I get to see him!

It's Okay to Look

Contrary to my adamant proclaim that I'm not into internet dating and "it doesn't work for me," I found myself peeking at some of the sites. Yes, #8 left me that final voice mail message only three days ago and in a sudden panic of being faced with yet another year ahead of me sans sex, I began to look at what my options might be. 

So log on, I did, just to take a look because as the Match.com ad suggests, "it's okay to look." I just wanted to see what was out there. Fifty pages of men came up between the ages of 38-48. Yes, it just now occurred to me that 38 is seven years younger than me. Geez, it didn't seem all that long ago that 38 was just a few years younger. Cripes, where does the time go anyway? 

Next I checked out plentyoffish.com and again, at least fifty pages of pretty fit fellas filled the screens. Cupid.com had over 20 pages. I didn't look too closely, but I didn't really see a lot of repeat guys. WHERE ARE these men? I don't get it. 

As I've mentioned before, I'm out and about this fair city doing a variety of activities from outdoor sports like biking, walking at the parks, dog walking, and festivals to cultural events like art walks, gallery openings, theater, and concerts. I talk to everyone about anything and yet, never meet any interesting (available) men. I just don't get it. Are these websites full of hooey? Do these men even exist in this city or is it all just a marketing ploy?

I was talking to a married with children friend yesterday who listened to my mile long list of social activities these past few weeks and she gave me an empathetic 'tisk tisk' and admitted you just don't meet anyone at these random one time only events. It has to be through a more long-term activity like work, school or a special interest club that meets weekly. I went to a gym every week for a whole month once. Nothing happened. Sigh.

Still wary about signing up for any of these dating sites, I decided to see what the competition held. So I checked out the "men seeking women" section (I had to log in with a faux user name and birthday) and low and behold, there are at least as many, probably more, pages of women seeking men. Gorgeous women. Fit women. Fashionable women. Women with good jobs, distinguished careers, money in the bank, mortgages in their names, cars to drive themselves to the date. Yeah, the competition is fierce. 

I think I'll just have to carry on in my own little delusional world of thinking I can meet a man 'the old fashioned' way. In person. Through friends. Throwing myself in front of his bicycle while I'm out power walking. And wowing him with my charming personality before he discovers all my shortcomings. 

Another Very Sexy Date

After a couple weeks in hiding, #8 called me yesterday morning to ask me out for that evening. A little last minute, but as it happened, I was free and it seemed like a good idea, so said yes. THEN he tells me that he is dieting and will be drinking water and eating like a bird all night. Sounds like a blast. If there is anything worse than a woman fretting about her weight and constantly parading her diets in front of everyone on nights out, it's a man openly fretting about his weight and dieting on a date. Not that I shouldn't be watching my cals and alcoholic intake, but I would be discreet about it when on a date. Guys don't like to hear a woman droning on about her needing to lose five pounds or how fat she thinks she is. Well, women don't want to hear that crap from men either. To top it off, #8 is not even fat. He's actually a bit on the puny side as far as I'm concerned. If the guy actually loses any of this imaginary fat he's talking about, I won't be able to find him in a crowded room. 

After our meal of salads and water (actually, I splurged and got an iced tea with a touch of the pink stuff a.k.a. sweet 'n low) we took a walk around Green Lake. It was a gorgeous evening. A perfect way to enjoy the weather (yea! I haven't been bitchy for two and a half days now!) and get a little exercise. Then we went to The Sitting Room,  my favorite neighborhood bar, where I enjoyed a glass of red wine and Eight drank water and nibbled on some olives.  

Today he invited me to go on a motorbike ride with him. He suggested a trip to Chateau St Michelle Winery for a tour and tasting, then on to Snoqualmie Falls for a hike down the trail and a little picnic. Once I figured out what to wear for this Triple-Decker date...motorcycle riding (jeans and boots?), wine tasting (cute skirt and strappy sandals?) and hike (shorts and walking shoes?) it turned out to be a wonderful day.  I opted for the cropped cargo pant, urban sneakers and cute t-shirt. 

The winery was beautiful today. We took the tour, browsed the shop and enjoyed a few tastings. Then we headed on out toward Duvall and Fall City, passing farmlands, fields and lush green forests,  grabbed a sandwich and hiked down the trail from Snoqualmie Falls and had our picnic. The falls were the most raging and overflowing either of us had ever seen. Our heavy snowfall this past winter is providing quite the scenic wonder.  

It was a great day of riding on the back of 8's bike, the warm weather allowing us to travel in just our shirtsleeves, a bit of exercise and romance. And a lot of 'two wheeler waving.' Really nice time with old #8. Another one of his very sexy dates that he comes up with every so often. So what's going on with us, you may ask? Nothing. We date a couple times a month and that's it. It seems to be working for both of us. Friday night he began to sleep over, but then left in the middle of the night because he couldn't sleep and I was completely fine with it. Sure, I felt bad that he wasn't able to sleep, but I wasn't sleeping that well myself. Once he left, I washed my face, put on something comfortable to sleep in, ate a cookie and went to bed. Slept like a baby. And most likely snored up a storm without waking up feeling bad about it. 

I might be doomed to forever sleeping alone. But maybe that's just fine. Until I find the guy I really want to share my bed with for the entire night, I'm okay with the 3 a.m. exit. Before meeting up for our 'sexy date' on Saturday, I was able to wake up at my leisure, sip my coffee out on my balcony and enjoy the morning at my pace. One of my most favorite past-times. 

Coupling

I realize the biblical, historical, traditional and economical situations of the past resulted in the need for 'coupling.' But why is so much focus placed on being a 'couple' in today's modern world? In the past coupling was a business transaction, between families. Fathers negotiated over their children when they were still small as a matter of what...and who...would make the most business sense.

Today coupling is still big business. How many 'mate finding' services are out there these days? Hundreds? Thousands? Match.com, Yahoo.com, Cupid.com, eHarmony.com, It's Just Lunch, Speed Dating, Blind Dating, Singles Mixers, Events and Adventures. The list goes on.

eHarmony advertises their success rate at not just finding you a partner, but finding you a spouse. Match.com promises that if you don't find someone 'special' within six months, they will give you six months free. After six months of that brutal process, why would I want to continue the same exact process for another six months. Most people I know move on and try different avenues after six months of grueling dates.

Yes, I've attempted all the traditional and 21st century dating methods...and I continue to date anyway. Last week I had a blind date. It was a set up by a woman friend I met at a singles mixer. Only I would go to a singles mixer to meet men and come away with yet more women friends! Anyway, this friend wanted to set me up with her good friend and I said "sure, why not." After I agreed, she sent me his photograph. Ummm, okay kind of too late to back out at this point. And it'd be rude. I mean not everyone takes the best photos. I, for one, do not photograph well, and my friends would agree.

The date was typical. We meet, have a nice conversation over dinner, I don't feel any physical attraction to Mr. BD (Blind Date) whatsoever, I pay my half of the meal, he does not offer to drive me home, and he wants to see me again. sigh. When does this cycle end? And what is wrong with men in this town? Does anyone out there date a man with manners?

Last night #8 (yeah, he's still in the picture although more on the edges...the mat really) had me over to his house for a homemade Italian dinner. The meal was great, he served wine rather than milk or water for a change, we watched a movie, had fantastic sex in the middle of the film, finished the movie and then he sent me out the door to catch my bus at 10.30 p.m. Now I wasn't even suggesting he drive me home. As a matter of fact, I told him I would catch the bus. But doesn't it seem polite to at least walk a girl to the bus stop four blocks away and wait til she got safely on the the bus? I mean, I walked my gal pal to the bus the other night as she didn't live in my neighborhood and it was late at night. What's wrong with this (and most) men? I honestly do not get it. It must be me. Part of the problem is I won't ask a guy to do these favors. I expect them to just know how to behave. Then they don't pass the test because they are simpletons and I get annoyed.

Coupling. Yeah. I need to just date for the sake of dating...or rather for the 'sex of dating'. And continue living my quite exciting, free, and pretty fulfilling single life.

What's Behind Door #?

They say when one door closes, another one opens. I hope that is true as door #8 is being shut in my face.

I swear the last three guys I dated did the "just stop calling" routine. WTF? Why is that acceptable after dating several months? It's acceptable after one or two dates, sure. But five months? Not acceptable grown up behavior. I suppose that is the only way men feel they can get rid of me. I am not a fighter, so there is no chance of an argument ensuing where we can have a break up with exchange of heated words and insults. Confrontation is difficult so actually saying to my face that we need to wrap this up just isn't an option apparently. So if they just stop calling, they can hope I'll eventually get the hint and leave them alone.

I do have a great life...wonderful friends and can do pretty much what I please without answering to anyone. Why can't that be fulfilling enough? Why must I need the physical affection from a man thing? Well, cause that's how nature made us I guess. There's really only so much you can get from a battery operated toy. sigh.

In the April edition of "SeattleWoman" magazine, there is an article about girlfriend getaways. For the past five years that is all I've had -- girlfriend getaways (besides the mini-weekend to Whidbey Island in December with #8- which was wonderful, by the way). Getting away with my girlfriends is most definitely one of my favorite things to do. Frankly, however, I'm ready to spend some time having an actual romance in all the romantic places I've been the last five years.

Don't get me wrong. I have enjoyed every minute of Paris, Venice, Prague, the Greek Islands, beaches along the Adriatic and Mediterranean Seas, the Caribbean, and Mexico. These places are spectacular no matter what. And there is nothing less romantic than being in a romantic place with the wrong man. I've experienced that scenario as well.

So #8 got me through the winter months, I suppose, and spring is about here. And I'll see what's behind the next door and plan a trip...with or without anyone else, man or woman.

Love Language 101

Last month I had a girls gathering and one of the girls drove up from Chehalis and stayed the night at my place. When the others had left the party, she and I were talking and I noticed throughout her visit, she kept mentioning her and her husband's 'love languages'. She said, "if I come home and tell Lou I didn't charge anything on this trip, that's his love language." After a few of these comments I asked her if she and her husband were going to counseling. She confirmed they were, hence the whole "love language" terminology being tossed around.

The other night, #8 and I were talking and out of the blue he started talking about his "love languages." He mentioned a book he read either when he was married or while going through his divorce. Either way, he mentioned that it was a very helpful book and he told me a couple of his love languages: 1. Time, when his partner makes time for him and 2. physical touch.

I find these two in particular to be interesting since this is a guy who barely gives me the time of day. I saw him last Monday and haven't heard, seen or received even an email from him since. I had asked him when I left Monday night if he had plans for this coming weekend. He said no, but somehow we never actually planned anything concrete. He'll call eventually, though. He always does...usually apologizing that he's not been in contact.

Touch? Again, he barely shows affection by touch. He will put his hand on my leg in the movie theater, and sex is certainly great, but otherwise, where is all this physical touching? Maybe his idea of these two things is just subtle, while mine is much more pronounced.

I relayed that my 'love languages' also involve time and touch... a lot of touching. I'll have to read up and determine my other love languages.

So, while I continue to date this guy, basically because I do enjoy his company overall when we are hanging out together, and because there's really no reason not to date him at this stage, he just continues to remind me why I know he's not 'the one.'

In addition, I had a crap work week and while confirming once again that my job is not 'the one' I have been having fantasies of my upcoming cruise. Fantasies of the boat stopping in Belize where I get off never to get back on board! Hmmm....what a nice day dream.

Red Wine Allergies

Things could be progressing with Speed Dater #8 . We've gone out (or gotten together, rather) five times now. On our fourth date, we went for a two hour latte. I don't know how it is we have so much to talk about, but we do. I guess I'm a bit of a talker...and he's a bit of a talker...so you've got two jabber mouths vying for air time. While waiting for our lattes to be 'tossed out' at us at the ever busy Starbucks in my neighborhood, he looked around and asked if there was a place to sit. I said I was sure there was at the other end. And if not, he could kick someone out. He finds me humorous (points for him) and replies in his faux tough man voice, "hey, my girlfriend wants your seat. Move." We chuckle...hardy har. But what I'm actually thinking is, "Girlfriend? This guy doesn't think of me as a 'girlfriend' does he?" That can't be possible. This is our fourth date. Nah...he's just making the comment in jest, right? I'm pretty sure he had to be thinking, "Yikes, did I just call her my 'girlfriend'? She can't take it seriously, right? I was just role playing." Oh, the joys of dating. Communicating. Miscommunicating. Whatever, I let it drop.

So how am I feeling about #8 after five dates now? Well, he's totally not my type. Whatever that means, I'm not even 100% sure. I've dated all types. They are either all my type or none my type. Can't say for sure. I think #8 might be a titch too conservative for me. An ex-military fighter pilot, commercial pilot and now flight instructor conservative type. He's a bit of a goober in a cute sort of way. Hmmm...we definitely get along. I enjoy his company when I'm with him. Except for some of his clothing choices, I'm not cringing when I'm around him. His attire is a bit Jerry Seinfeldish. He's got a 14 year old daughter...doesn't she coach him at all?

And, yes, the 14 year old daughter. THAT works out quite well for me. He's busy with her at least half the time...which keeps me stalker free.

So five dates. I know what you are all asking now. On our second date we had a nice dinner at an Indian restaurant then went back to his for a movie. I noted that he ordered chai tea at the restaurant and he chose an Indy film. More points for him ...for a conservative guy he's willing to branch out a bit. After the film, we did a little smoochin' on the sofa. He was eager to get busy, but I put the kibosh on his plan and left before things heated up too much. I'm a lady after all (anyone who knows me can just stop snickering at this point).

He came by to pick me up for our third dinner date. I invited him in for some wine first. It was a Friday. We'd both had long hard work weeks. We were ready to unwind a bit. I have a tendency to suffer from wine allergies. My nose stuffs up almost immediately, I begin to sneeze and sniffle. However, this time the wine had an entirely different affect. After two bottles, my clothes fell off! I can't say that's never happened before...but it'd been a really long time. So yes, my friends, my sexual moratorium has been lifted. Finally. And I have to say, although I don't think this guy is my type...he's definitely fun in the sack. So I may need to keep him around for a bit. I know that sounds a little crass. But it's not as if I'm using him or anything. Surely he's getting something from our time together as well. Besides, I'm not getting any signals that he is feeling any differently about me. He seems to enjoy my company enough, but he's not mushy, overly attentive, or complimentary in any way. I think we are probably on the same wavelength. As long as he doesn't go referring to me as his "girlfriend" without my consent, we'll be just fine.

Stalker Report

A few of you gave me some very sound advice on how to handle this stalker fellow. I really appreciate the feedback. Because I was out of town on business and did not have ample opportunity to cancel this date within a reasonable amount of time, I kept my promise and went on the date. I think calling on the day of the date to say I've had a change of heart might have been a little harsh somehow. So I met him at Elysian Brewery (nothing too dimly lit or romantic in atmosphere) where he says to me "how do you know about this place?" Ummm....I've lived in the area for almost 30 years. He had never been or heard of it, which I found interesting given that he works at Group Health just up the road. Whatever. Everyone can't know everything about every bar in this town. I'll give him a break.

After a couple hours of chatting, he wants to know what the "deal" is with women. We say we want a 'nice' guy, but we really don't. Well, I assured him that I, in fact, DO want to date a 'nice' guy, however, that is not the only quality I look for in a man. As I am sure is the case with most woman (and men) that I know. Nice is not a specific enough description for me to determine if I want to date someone. A lot of people are nice. As a matter of a fact, most people I meet are nice. That doesn't mean we are a match.

I told him what the "deal" was with me. I explained that I was dating other people and that until I find the one person I want to date continually, I am dating. I explained that his constant phone calls, followed up by emails and more phone calls were too much. He needs to back off. He advised me that based on our initial conversation when I told him I was not a phone person, he had toned it way down for my benefit. Wow. If that was the toned down version of this man, I can only imagine what he's normally like.

Besides being an insecure and needy stalker, we really do not have a thing in common. My idea of a romantic evening in might be some nice wine, a cozy fire and a rousing game of scrabble. His was curling up in a blanket to watch Spongebob Square Pants. Need I say more.

The 44 Year Old Dating Novice

I've never been much of a dater. I used to joke that I married my ex-husband because he was the first guy to come along and really treat me well. I was 19 when we met.

In high school I never had a boyfriend, a Steady Eddie to ask to all those Tolos (Sadie Hawkins, girl ask boy dances). I always had to drum up some pal or ask some guy who'd be too nice to say no. It was awful and, although I went through the motions, I was really never thrilled about the actual date portion of the evening. It was more just being part of the event. Usually I was on the committee that planned these dances, so it seemed only natural that I'd attend. But they were never quite as fun as the anticipation- like so many things in life, I've since learned.

So here I am... a 44 year old woman once again trying to date. It's been a long time since I was as excited about the date himself as I was about the outfit I'd wear.

So far the only thing that has developed from the speed dating event last week is a tentative date with #8 and #11 stalker. Yes, #8 (the avid skier) did contact me and we decided to make a date for Sunday pending my arrival back to Seattle from my Eastern Washington work trip. Nice that he is being flexible, but we'll see if I make it back in time.

#11, the stalker, is kinda making me crazy. He calls every day and emails once or twice a day. THIS is why I don't give out my number very readily. And no, this is not in any way 'sweet.' He is a needy, insecure, demanding sort who is getting on my nerves and we haven't even had our first date yet (scheduled for Tuesday). I am seriously considering cancelling. Is it rude to cancel before Tuesday explaining that I've had a change of heart based on our very frequent email and phone conversations? Or is it meaner to go through with the date, and then tell him we are not a match? Neither one seems like a very good option. But option three, feigning serious illness and then never calling him again, is definitely not my style...as much as I wish it were.

I'm just a terrible dater. I wish I were better at it, but when you marry the guy you meet at 19 and stay together for 18 years, you're pretty much going to lack the dating skills that most people develop in their 20's!

Post Speed Dating Review

Because my new job thingy required a trip to Yakima and back yesterday, I had to opt out of any of the Halloween invites I'd previously received, but was able to get back in time to swing by the Karma Martini Lounge in Belltown for my originally schedule Speed Dating event. Aaah, yes, speed dating. It's an interesting concept and one I rather enjoy. Just go out, meet and talk to 10 guys within a couple hours, cast your votes for the ones you want to see again...and see what happens. It's so much less time consuming than the tedious task of regular Internet dating.

So how did it go, you may be asking. Let me give you the run down.

Pre-Dater #11 (the first gentleman for me to meet) was immediately annoyed by my use of the word "chemistry." As in, "I'm looking for someone with whom I connect, have a spark and there is a chemistry." Yeah, apparently this fella has been bombarded with the word chemistry. Six minutes of pretty much him gagging over the use of that word. Alrighty then. Moving on.

Pre-Dater #10, a tall fella with long hair and pleasant smile, seemed interesting in some way, but honestly I can't really remember any details about him...except that he works outside a lot, in various neighborhoods. A general contractor? I don't think so. Real Estate? Ummmm...no, that wasn't it. Six minutes. Six very quick minutes to talk to these men. No real time to jot down notes.

Pre-Dater #9 informs me that he technically isn't exactly divorced. He was...he thought, but now he's not. Huh? Apparently, his wife, err ex-wife, stirred up some trouble after the divorce was final and got the divorce voided?? Yeah, I'm not sure what that is all about. I don't really care. Too messy for me. Next!

Pre-Dater #8. Oooh, here we go. He's a hottie. Stunning blue eyes and dark hair. A total turn on. An avid skier. Yum yum. Works...somewhere??? Who cares. I'm digging him. Oh, but that darn bell goes off and we have to rotate already! Oh well. Hopefully, we'll get to talk again in the near future.

Pre-Dater #7, a dentist in West Seattle (which I find out later is actually Burien. Burien is not West Seattle...at least it is not the same as West Seattle) and a collector of classic muscle cars. Other than getting a ride in his '68 Camaro, not really feeling any reason to reconnect with this one.

Pre-Dater #6 is a super smiley fella, lives nearby, skis, runs, hikes etc... Although I'd love to meet a skier/hiker and general outdoorsy guy, there was just something about him that didn't work for me. It might have been the smile. It was almost too much. Like Stan Laural of Laural and Hardy. It was distracting.

Pre-Dater #5 enjoys sci-fi movies and computer games. Ummm...yeah. Say no more.

Pre-Dater #4 is into salsa dancing and learning to play his guitar.

Almost done here.

Pre-Dater #3 was a cutie pie. Geographically not so compatible (lives in Everett), a Boeing Engineer, with a degree in Industrial Art. I think that is what he said...I was a little distracted by his cuteness.

Pre-Dater #2. I can't remember one thing about this guy. I didn't write down one notation. I only remember that I most definitely did not want to get together with him again.

Pre-Daters #1 and #12 were a no show. So that was it. Ten fellas. Six minutes each. Time to go home and make our choices on line and see if there are any 'matches'.

But before I go home, I am sitting at the bar finishing my vodka martini and Pre-Dater #11 comes over to me and begins talking. He sits down and orders a beer and we continue to chat...and chat...and we're laughing and having a decent time actually. Reminder: this is the guy who was pretending to slit his wrists when I used the word "chemistry." He manages to wrangle my phone number from me. I rarely give my number out and I'm not sure what made me do it now. Must have been the vodka martini. He walked me to my car two and half hours later. I'm not at all attracted to this man. But honestly, it was an enjoyable couple of hours. We gave each other a friendly little hug goodbye. I wasn't even home yet when I received a text message from him. I don't answer. I don't pay for text, so I don't use it as a rule.

Here's the problem. I cast my votes when I got in last night. I voted for #'s 8 (obviously, he was totally hot AND a skier), 3 and 10. I wasn't too into #10, but felt like I should give him a shot. But what about #11? We spent the rest of the night chatting. I gave him my number. How can I totally blow him off now and not vote for him? It's awkward. So I click the "yes" button. Shut my computer down and go to bed.

This morning he called and left a long and detailed voice message. He then left a message for me on the Cupid.com site. Uh oh. What have I done? Have I got a stalker on my hands?

I checked my 'matches' this morning and only numbers 10 and, of course, 11 matched with me. My other two choices did not pick the funny, fun and smart, sexy Wander Woman. Oh well. I did get picked by numbers 9 (the one in the middle of a divorced vs not divorced conflict), 7, the dentist with the muscle cars, 4, the guitar playing salsa dancer, 2, who I remember nothing about, and 6, Stan Laural. Okay, so the only three out of ten who did NOT pick me where the two I wanted to see again and the computer game playing geek. Terrific.

I am debating about giving Stan a try. He could be worth giving the time of day. I am just not certain.

I'll keep you posted on follow up dates...if they should occur.

Get Out There

Anyone who is single and attempting to date in this town has heard the phrase from a friend, family member or well-meaning co-worker: "You've just got to get out there."

I hear that and I think "you've got to be kidding me." Not many are more 'out there' than myself. I am out there. I couldn't really be much more out there. In the past few months I've been to the opera, Shakespeare, and the REACT theater. I attended the Killers, Kaiser Chiefs and Joss Stone concerts. I frequent the Seattle Art Museum, 100 Suite Gallery and the first Thursday art walk. I've been to Cabo, Key Stone and New York. Went to the Ballard Seafood Festival, the Evergreen State Fair, but, okay, I missed Bumbershoot. I've been to singles parties, on singles websites, and to speed dating events. I've taken writing classes, yoga classes, taught ESL as well as my Discover U class. I've been to the Olympic Sculpture Park, the dog park, the people park. I've drank lattes and walked dogs in more Seattle neighborhoods than I care to mention.

I've been to wedding, funerals and various BBQ's about town. I was an extra in a local film and I regularly partake in dinner or happy hours with my cute single girlfriends. We go to cafes, bars, clubs and dance the night away. I had a job with the city where I worked with 90% men and 90% of my customers were men. I golf every Sunday and attend local spectator sports (Mariners, Sounders, high school basketball games!). I let friends set me up with friends and I frequently talk to strangers at bus stops. Whew!

If I was any more 'out' I'd be gay! (Not that there's anything wrong with that!).